Not If You Paid Us, Say Gurkhas

VICTORIOUS Gurkhas last night said they wouldn't live in Britain if you paid them, insisting they really just wanted to prove a point.

As the government pandered shamelessly to 15,000 of the tiny mountain warriors, they admitted that, to them, Britain was a vast, open sewer filled with bloated turds, but it was the principle of the thing.

A Gurkha spokesman said: "I think we can all now agree that if you ask a man to risk his life while hacking off the heads of your enemies for you, then you should at least be willing to live in the same country as him.

"Now that we've established that, let me be the first to say that Britain is a crumbling, high-tax nightmare filled with fat, lazy cretins who wouldn't know culture if it vomitted all over them at 11.30 on a Friday night after eight pints of that piss water you call beer."

He added: "I'd rather live in a box of pins."

Emma Bradford, a newspaper reader from Doncaster, said: "I've never had a problem with them all moving here, what with them being so tiny. But I did keep asking myself, 'who in the name of Christ would want to?'"

In the wake of the victory, Gurkha chieftan Joanna Lumley was briefly the most popular woman in British history before ruining it all by saying something nice about Gordon Brown.

Tom Logan, an interested party from Hatfield, said: "I was very impressed by her passionate, no-nonsense approach and the way she dealt with both MPs and the media, to the extent that I would have proclaimed her my warrior queen and died for her in battle.

"But then she said something nice about Gordon Brown so she can fuck off."

Meanwhile thousands of British men in their 40s have added Ms Lumley shouting ferocious Ghurkha slogans to their list of things that should work just fine, thank you very much.

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Benitez Handed £20m To Piss Straight Up A Wall

LIVERPOOL coach Rafael Benitez was last night handed a £20m transfer budget to spend on one big-name signing or shit away on a collection of abject losers that you've never heard of.

In the wake of a strong title challenge the club's owners want to reward the Anfield support with a range of exciting new faces for them to dismiss as utterly useless by mid-August.

Benitez said: "The squad clearly needs several additions and there are some great prospects out there. However, I do also have my eye on a 300-foot-high mountain of penny chews."

Despite successful signings such as Torres and Mascherano, Benitez was criticised in 2007 for paying £13m for a small lump of organic matter that, given 240 million years, may evolve into useful utility left-back.

This followed his 2006 signing of Roy Of The Rovers, who, despite his numerous accolades and undoubted skill, was obviously a fictional character and therefore ineligible to play in the Champion's League.

Sources suggest Benitez will spend the entire budget on Carlos Tevez and has already ordered a set of stout metal chains and a daily supply of steaming lumps of meat.

The Liverpool boss has told friends he can end Manchester United's dominance by spending an enormous amount of money on a player they have deemed surplus to requirements for quite some time.

But Benitez's plans may be thwarted by Manchester City, whose billionaire owners plan to buy every sentient creature on the planet in an audacious £74 billion swoop.

City boss Mark Hughes said: "Once I control all the legs there are, I do think we've got a realistic chance of a top six finish."