Monday morning and I’m still f**king here, says May

THE prime minister has announced that it is Monday fucking morning and she is still fucking here.

At a Downing Street press conference the media were unable to tell whether Mrs May’s tone was one of grim triumph or exhausted resignation, but confirmed that she was indeed present and apparently in charge.

May added: “I woke up this morning, the grey light of dawn at the window, and the first thing I thought was ‘Still here? Still fucking here.’

“Was it all talk? Are the letters coming in? Is there a leadership election, or a general election, or a military coup on the cards? I don’t know. But I’m still here.”

BBC reporter Carolyn Ryan said: “She’s widely hated and bad at the job, but she hasn’t disappeared in a puff of smoke. Unlike David fucking Cameron.”