Nigel Farage: I am popular and handsome

THE UKIP leader has confirmed he remains popular with white working-class voters and attractive to women.

After UKIP’s latest abject failure in the Oldham West by-election, Nigel Farage insisted much of the electorate was so in awe of him they fainted before they could cast their votes.

He said: “Women have difficulty voting for UKIP because it is such a nakedly sexual act and would break their marriage vows, which I would not encourage.

“And men, for whom I am a golden god, are afraid of seeming like craven acolytes lest their pathetic offering of a vote displeases me.”

Farage added: “Also UKIP in Urdu directly translates as ‘Labour’ which is why we wrongly appear to have done badly in the Asian communities.

“In summary, then, we have triumphed in this by-election and UKIP are now the official opposition in Parliament.

“Please don’t take me off the telly.”

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Cameron to tackle obesity with wartime rationing

DAVID Cameron has insisted Britain’s latest war can be used to tackle the country’s weight problem.

The prime minister said war offered a ‘fantastic opportunity’ to return to sensible, 1940s-style portion sizes, especially for people on low and average incomes.

He added: “Bland, grey, suet-based foodstuffs will also help to build the character you will need for the dark days ahead.

“Those on benefits will be served in large, draughty halls on trestle tables by meaty-armed women who will whack them with a ladle if they take more than their share.

“What an adventure it will be.”

The relaunched Ministry of Food will distribute rations including powdered Sunny Delight, four ounces of cheese strings for children and a block of compressed turkey-based product for an average family.

As the war continues, the turkey rations will be replaced by domestically-reared products such as road badger and neighbour’s dog.