Nine f**king days left

THERE are nine – nine! – fucking days left until economic armageddon and still the same shit is going on, Britain has realised. 

Theresa May’s latest attempt to repeat the same failed strategy a further time when the countdown is in single figures has finally forced the nation to face up to how horrendously dysfunctional it has become.

Nathan Muir of Colchester said: “I thought someone would do something sensible at 29 days. I still thought that at 19 days. Now we’re at nine days.

“It’s becoming clear that there aren’t any adults in the room, that the Brexiters will still be saying ‘It’s fine’ in the food riots, that Theresa May would stand on one leg and bark like a dog if the ERG asked her too, and that we’re all fucked.

“Meanwhile the opposition nobly looks on, powerless to do anything to prevent the disaster because they want to look like big heroes when they save us from it.

“We will still be arguing about the Irish backstop at 10.59pm on Friday March 29th, as the match is put to the fuse that blows up our stupid fucking country.”

Muir added: “Nine days. For fuck’s sake. Somebody do something.”

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Woman who stopped listening to friend's problems five minutes ago hopes she's giving right advice

A WOMAN who tuned out her friend’s whinges about her love life five minutes ago is having a stab in the dark at some sage advice.

Nikki Hollis was meant to be paying attention to friend Emma Bradford’s story about her latest relationship drama, but was instead thinking about Brexit, what she had in the fridge and Alexander Skarsgard.

She said: “I snapped back to reality when Emma said ‘What do you think I should do?’ As ever I held back my real feelings ie ‘Stop dating dickheads,’ so had to improvise.

“I went with ‘take it one day at a time’ to begin with, then told her ‘be true to you’. She seemed to like that, so I went full bullshit with ‘you’ve got to love yourself to believe you deserve to be loved’.

“By this time she was looking at me like I was some kind of wise old guru but then asked ‘So I should dump him? For that?’ and I nodded. I’ve no idea what he did. Doesn’t matter now, I guess.

“I rounded things off by adding ‘it’s all just part of your journey,’ which I got from The X-Factor. She lapped it up.”

Hollis added: “I need to get some better friends.”