Northern Ireland re-named 'West Belgium' in Brexit deal

THE finalised Brexit deal imposes full EU rules on Northern Ireland, changes its official language to Flemish, bans religion and renames it West Belgium.

The deal also creates a 190-mile tidal barrier down the length of the Irish Sea which UK citizens can only cross via a customs point on the Isle of Man but EU citizens can pass through wherever they like.

EU negotiator Michel Barnier said: “I don’t think anyone can have any problem with this.

“In Belfast, or New Bruges, we’ll eliminate sectarian divides with automated drones set to destroy all religious texts and recite the 800 pages of regulations against it to any attempted practitioners.

“An 800ft Manneken Pis in Ghent II, formerly Derry, will provide all drinking water for the region which is not anything the natives could be insulted by, and we’ll house the auxiliary European Parliament on the site of the bulldozed Stormont.

“The colours orange and green will be banned, as will the colours red, white and blue. But there’ll still be a Royal family. I’m sure you’ll really take to King Philippe.”

DUP leader Arlene Foster said: “On reflection, maybe we could accept a little compromise.”

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Shit finally completes 29-month journey towards fan

THE bucketful of shit first upended in June 2016 has finally completed its slow, 29-month journey through the air and is now hitting the fan.

The shit, released between the long-ago deaths of Muhammed Ali and Kenny Baker two years ago, has been largely ignored by Britain during its slow-motion transit but will soon be absolutely everywhere.

Political commentator Joseph Turner said: “Easy to forget about when it’s just a few tumbling turds, isn’t it? You blank out the boring speculation about exactly what angle they’ll hit the blades.

“But that fan that’s been whirring away all this time, and admit it you don’t even notice the noise now, is about to be the focus of all our attention and for months. Maybe years.

“We’ll talk of little else. ‘Is there anything to hide behind?’ ‘What consistency is the next bucket of crap?’ ‘How can I clean it off?’ ‘Oh God, why did I say they just need to get on with it?’.

“A parade of excrement-coated politicians will tell us they can stop the shit, that the shit is good, that no more will hit the fan after just these next few, but it’ll already be all over us, our houses, our jobs, everything.

“We live in a world of shit now. Get over it.”