Having children in late thirties linked to enjoying more of your thirties

WOMEN who delay motherhood until their late thirties face an increased risk of having more years of freedom and fun, according to researchers.

The Institute of Studies found a strong link between putting off motherhood and experiencing more years enjoying a social life relatively free of screaming, heavy lifting and someone wetting themselves.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The sooner you have a baby, the sooner you risk shutting down any area of your life that makes you feel good.

“Every woman of childbearing age would be right to ask herself: ‘How many years do I have left in me to get off my tits every weekend?’”

Brubaker added: “I believe delaying the end of lighthearted japery is the biggest issue facing women today. Apart from all the other bits and bobs like Me Too and the pay gap.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

What does your choice of disgusting herbal tea say about you?

Do you drink green tea because it’s good for you, even though it tastes like the boiled piss of the devil? You are a masochist. Follow our guide to find out more.

Detox tea
If you spent last night drinking neat tequila and snorting unidentified white powder off the back of a loo, you’ll need more than some dried herbs in hot water to make you feel better. You are deluded.

Chamomile tea
Similarly, if you haven’t slept more than four hours a night for the last three years, you’ll need to attack that raging insomnia with something tougher than diluted flowers. You are desperate.

Vanilla chai
Proudly displaying this in the kitchen at work won’t actually give you the laid back hippy credentials you crave, because you’ll be sipping it whilst slaving away at that tedious office job. You need a change of career.

Peppermint and Licorice
This tea sounds like a fun, sugary explosion in Willy Wonka’s factory, and yet manages to taste of barely anything at all. You are all style and no substance.

Rooibos
Rooibos or ‘red bush’ is tea that pretends to be actual, proper builders tea, but is in fact caffeine-free and tastes weird. You are not to be trusted.

Next story ›