TODAY’S Northerner is now almost on a par with humans, the Conservatives have announced.
According to an opinion poll, only 57% of Conservatives now believe that Northerners are an exclusively male race which reproduces via intercourse with stoats, ferrets and badgers.
A party spokesman said: “The modern Northerner has evolved to such an extent that it could be brought along to a dinner party, perhaps on a leash or in a very big jar.
“Indeed the progress of the Northerner is in many respects analogous to that of its beloved pie.
“Once it was little more than a pastry receptacle for pulped genitals adrift in an oozing black tar, shunned by even the semi-literate.
“Now it frequently contains fair to average meats and is served to dinner guests across Surrey, often with a salad garnish and a hint of irony.”