Gay Priests Have Sex With Men, Say Experts

PRIESTS who are gay are 100% more likely to have sex with men rather than boys, experts have claimed.

As the Vatican's most senior official after the Pope said child sex abuse was caused by homosexuality, the Institute for Studies stressed that the defining characteristic of gay men was their particular fondness for other men.

Institute director, Professor Henry Brubaker, explained that priests who are gay are likely to do one of three things:

a) Stay at home with a life-size cardboard cut-out of Pierce Brosnan and a scented candle; b) Stay at home with a copy of the Bible and a heavy chain with which to punish themselves; or c) Take off their dog collars, put on a nice, tight polo shirt and head out to a club in the hope of meeting a fellow gay man for white wine spritzers and long, sweaty hugs.

He added: "What they're not going to do is feel-up choirboys or ask them to come to rehearsal wearing nothing but trunks. That's called 'being a paedophile'.

"For a gay man, priest or otherwise, the great thing about liking men is that there are millions of them, so there would be no possible need to descend upon a group of eight year-old choristers.

"And of course if you're a gay priest it's much easier to just be gay – even in secret – because unlike paedophilia, it's not a horrible, horrible crime."

Church historian, Julian Cook, added: "Unfortunately the Vatican has been defeated by it's own logic. If the priests really were gay they would have been defrocked immediately which means the Vatican knew they weren't gay and instead decided to protect them because in their heads being a homosexual is somehow worse than being a paedophile.

"Still, nice try."


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My boss must be very clumsy because he's forever dropping items of stationery on the floor and requesting that I bend over to pick them up, usually on the days I am wearing a low cut top. I think maybe he might be interested in something more than just my typing skills, but I am worried about mixing business with pleasure. Do you think this would be a bad idea?

Dear Pricilla,
I love jelly and ice cream, and I love bouncy castles, but only a fool would combine the two. You only have to consider what happened to Amanda Sullivan at the spring gala last weekend to understand the full horror of mixing copious amounts of party food with a lengthy session of vigorous jumping on an inflatable entertainment system. Had someone the foresight to prevent Amanda from eating sixteen pink wafers, five red liquorice whips, a strawberry Cornetto, and numerous handfuls of Frazzles before she started pogo-ing along to 2Unlimited, possibly the carnage that ensued might have been avoided.
Hope that helps!