PRIESTS who are gay are 100% more likely to have sex with men rather than boys, experts have claimed.
As the Vatican's most senior official after the Pope said child sex abuse was caused by homosexuality, the Institute for Studies stressed that the defining characteristic of gay men was their particular fondness for other men.
Institute director, Professor Henry Brubaker, explained that priests who are gay are likely to do one of three things:
a) Stay at home with a life-size cardboard cut-out of Pierce Brosnan and a scented candle; b) Stay at home with a copy of the Bible and a heavy chain with which to punish themselves; or c) Take off their dog collars, put on a nice, tight polo shirt and head out to a club in the hope of meeting a fellow gay man for white wine spritzers and long, sweaty hugs.
He added: "What they're not going to do is feel-up choirboys or ask them to come to rehearsal wearing nothing but trunks. That's called 'being a paedophile'.
"For a gay man, priest or otherwise, the great thing about liking men is that there are millions of them, so there would be no possible need to descend upon a group of eight year-old choristers.
"And of course if you're a gay priest it's much easier to just be gay – even in secret – because unlike paedophilia, it's not a horrible, horrible crime."
Church historian, Julian Cook, added: "Unfortunately the Vatican has been defeated by it's own logic. If the priests really were gay they would have been defrocked immediately which means the Vatican knew they weren't gay and instead decided to protect them because in their heads being a homosexual is somehow worse than being a paedophile.
"Still, nice try."