Obama stole my bike, claims Boris

BORIS Johnson has escalated his war on Barack Obama by claiming the US President stole his bike.

The massive blond-haired child says the President ‘made away’ with his £600 Boardman Hybrid in the early hours of Saturday morning, assisted by members of the Secret Service.

Writing in the Daily Telegraph Johnson said: “Something in his Hawaiian ancestry clearly made him yearn to own an 18-speed pushbike owned by a gentleman of quality.

“The balmy climes enjoyed by that island race are ideal for a spot of cycling and no doubt his inner passions got the better of him.”

Johnson added: “If only he had availed himself of one of those hire bikes that may or may not have been introduced by Ken Livingstone but which, rightly, bear my name.”

Meanwhile, police have recovered what they claim is Johnson’s bike, having found it hidden under a tarpaulin 50 yards from his house.

A Metropolitan Police spokesman said: “We get this a lot with children who want new bikes.”

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Show-offs run 26 miles ‘because they’re better than you’

THOUSANDS of attention seekers ran 26 miles across London just to make everyone else feel bad about themselves.

The self-indulgent runners brought the capital to a standstill in a pathetic bid to prove how fantastic they are while the rest of the country had two bags of crisps for breakfast.

Runner Emma Bradford, who completed the marathon in a ‘personal best’ of two hours and 58 minutes, admitted she is motivated entirely by spite and the prospect of humiliating others.

She said: “Tomorrow I’m going to go round the office asking everyone how their weekend was and then I’m going to pull out my medal and watch as they realise that they are worthless.”

Non-runner Stephen Malley, from Stevenage, said: “The only reason for someone to run 26 miles while dressed as a tea cup is because they’re a fascist who wants to turn this country into a health-based dictatorship controlled by runners and cyclists and throw people like me in jail.

“The London Marathon is a neo-fascist rally. You can ignore it if you want, but that’s what’s happening.”