Osborne mistakes himself for WWE wrestler

GEORGE Osborne has pledged to crack down on tax avoidance by pretending to be Hulk Hogan.

Appearing on BBC1’s Andrew Marr Reads the Papers, the chancellor took off his tie, tied it around his head and beat on his chest, before launching into a 10 minute-long, heavily scripted tirade.

Mr Osborne said: “If you ain’t down with stamp duty, it’s my duty to stamp you down.” He then threatened to ‘drop a load on those who don’t pay tax on their abode’.

Waggling his finger aggressively into the camera, he promised to personally visit stamp duty evaders across the UK, and introduce them to his friend, ‘The Reverend HMRC of the House of Pain’.

He added: “If you’re evading monies payable on land and property transactions above a certain value, I’ll tear you a new loophole.”

Mr Osborne also warned Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls that he would ‘come down on him so hard he’d think Godzilla had mistaken him… for… some sort of… of chair’ before admitting that one had not quite worked.

He then emitted a high-pitched noise that sounded like an unwell cat or a toddler that doesn’t like peas.

Pulling on a gold lamé cape, the Chancellor left with two women in silver bikinis and outsize cowboy hats, to a tinny rendition of Simply the Best by Tina Turner.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Cameron unveils passing of enormous buck

DAVID Cameron has outlined plans to pass the largest buck in British history.

The prime minister confirmed the government will no longer accept responsibility for an absolutely massive thing that does not work and is never going to work.

To pass the gigantic buck the government will use a 200ft high crane, much like the one that will be positioned next to the entire British motorway network for the next 30 years as the new Custodians of the Buck keep adding lanes in a futile bid to stop 60 million people from going insane.

Speaking next to Junction Bastard on the M4, Mr Cameron said: “When I became prime minister I told the head of the civil service that I would accept responsibility for everything, except roads. I said to him, ‘There’s no way I’m doing roads’.”

Mr Cameron then turned to transport secretary Justine Greening and said: “This has nothing to do with me.”

Ms Greening replied: “It’s nothing to do with me either.”

The pair then laughed and laughed and went back to London in a helicopter.

The buck will be passed in a symbolic ceremony later this year when Mr Cameron will use the government crane to rip out a perfectly good section of the M6 and heave it into a nearby field.

A consortium of French companies will then work out how to take 12 years to put it back while Mr Cameron just walks away with his hand in his pockets.