Osborne sleeps well despite being visited by three ghostly apparitions

GEORGE Osborne slept soundly last night, despite being visited by three ghosts warning him to repent.

Osborne revealed the first spirit took him back in time to show him as a young, carefree student laughing about poor people at the Bullingdon Club.

He said: “The second spirit took me to a homeless shelter in east London where people are dealing with the consequences of my cutbacks.

“Then, the third spirit took me to the future, where I’m viewed as a massive bastard whose grave doubles as a practice mat for disabled inner city break dancers.

“I thought the whole thing was a waste of time and after the last spirit left, I slept like a fucking log.”

He added: “This morning, I opened my bedroom window and noticed a young boy walking past outside.

“I shouted ‘You there, boy, what day is this?’. He said, ‘Friday, Sir’, and I said ‘Then why aren’t you in school, you workshy little prick?’”

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Mourinho begins work at small provincial estate agents

JOSE Mourinho has joined an estate agents in Doncaster, pledging to ‘dominate’ the South Yorkshire property market.

But he has already fuelled tensions with a rival agency across the road by claiming they only sell small houses.

Receptionist Wayne Hayes said: “We made a £500 commission on a one-bedroom flat last night and he did a knee slide across the front window, pumping his fists.

“When the regional manager called for a progress report, Mourinho banged on about how the sale was directly due to his genius, rather than Gary pretending there were other buyers interested.”

But with several clients already taking their business elsewhere, Mourinho has begun blaming everything from ‘the wrong kind of houses’, ‘Rightmove bias’ and ‘people living in yurts these days’.

Hayes added: “I genuinely think he may be too much of a bellend to be an estate agent.”