Blood rain turns you goth, Met Office warns

THE Met Office has warned that anyone exposed to today’s ‘blood rain’ will turn into a goth. 

The blood rain, which has blown into the UK from the vampire city of Selene in Transylvania, will whiten complexions, darken hair and turn any clothing black after exposure of less than a minute. 

Forecaster Bill McKay said: “Only a few drops can instill a lifelong propensity for taking selfies in graveyards, and if any gets in your mouth your taste in music will change forever. 

“If you’ve never seen a pale-skinned woman in a lace blouse with her head back to the sky, singing Type O Negative lyrics in between swigs of snakebite and black as the blood rain falls, trust me you don’t want to.”

Anathema Bathory D’oom of Reading said: “This morning I was called Donna Sheridan and my favourite colour was pink. 

“Now all I think about is death, but in a good way.”

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Ask Holly: When I'm pouting I'm thinking about Euclidian geometry

Dear Holly,

Last night, Romeo and I went to see Star Wars and did the usual pointless poses in the red carpet. I might look like I belong in front of the camera, but what people don’t realise when they see me pouting vacantly in a leather jacket is that I’m actually thinking about Euclidean geometry, and trying work out what is the minimum energy configuration of N particles bound to the surface of a unit sphere that repel each other with a 1/r potential (or any potential in general). Am I a huge disappointment to my family?

Brooklyn 

London

Dear Brooklyn,

There’s three boys in my class called Brooklyn. We call them Brooklyn 1, 2 and 3 so we don’t get confused. Funnily enough, Brooklyn 2 is best friends with Kanye 2, and Brooklyn 1 is friends with Kanye 1. What a coincidence! We all laughed. 

Hope that helps,

Holly