Paul Nuttall not leadership material even for UKIP

PAUL Nuttall is in no way, shape or form leadership material even for UKIP, it has emerged.

Nuttall, who resembles the sort of traffic warden who hides behind bins, confirmed plans to run for leadership of the party despite reservations even among the sort of people are into UKIP.

UKIP voter and person who never found true love Julian Cook said: “I’m one of them honest UKIP voters who admits it’s about racism and ignorance and even I wouldn’t vote for Paul Nuttall.

I’d rather vote for an Eritrean woman to be party leader than vote for Paul Nuttall.”

I’ve got a house plant that I’d rather vote for than Paul Nuttall.

“In fact, I’ve got a slogan for him – ‘fuck all for Nuttall’.”

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Man’s luxury watch successfully impresses fellow twats

A MAN’S ludicrously expensive wristwatch has gained him the respect of other total bellends, he has revealed.

Sales manager Martin Bishop’s £1,400 Diplomat Edition Weisser Aqua-Tech 9 has made him more popular with tedious, materialistic men who also enjoy golf.

Bishop said: “It’s beautifully crafted in chunky, masculine steel with little dials that are hard to see without a magnifying glass but which do important things like telling you the month.

“A guy in the office saw it and straightaway he was telling me about his new BMW and how much his house is worth. I expect it’ll be my turn to talk about myself next time we get chatting.

“Just last week the managing director of Oswestry Guttering Supplies Ltd said ‘nice watch’ and talked to me for ages about immigration.

“It’s like joining a club where everyone respects you and you can say whatever you like, so long as it’s not about books.”