Poll reveals no-one has ever met anyone who has taken part in a poll

THE number of people who know someone who has taken part in an opinion poll is zero, according to a new poll.

The poll asked 1000 people if they had ever taken part in a poll or knew anyone who had taken part in a poll and 100 percent of respondents said: “No, apart from this poll, obviously.”

Professional pollster Mary Fisher said: “It used to be a bit like Family Fortunes. We’d say we asked  100 people, but we didn’t. We asked 10 people in the office and then multiplied it.

“Otherwise it was just a lot of hassle.

“But recently we’ve come in for some criticism, so for this election we imagine we’re asking 14 people in the fictional Home Counties village of ‘Wopple’ and then, if necessary, we adjust the results based on the opinion of an imaginary plumber from Stevenage called Gary Wilkinson.”

Fisher added: “It’s not an exact science, but it is all paid for by newspapers and they couldn’t give a tuppenny shit.”

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Man cuts all contact with mother after discovering she likes ‘Galway Girl’

A 29-YEAR-OLD man has cut off all contact with his mother after discovering she enjoys Ed Sheeran’s song Galway Girl. 

Nathan Muir told mother Irene that she was dead to him after she admitted liking ‘that song that’s on the radio, you know, the Irish one by the ginger lad.’

He said: “It’s a shame. We’d really managed to rebuild our relationship after the whole Savage Garden thing.

“But there’s no coming back from this. Have you heard the lyrics? Fucking Grafton Street? I mean, I’m no music snob but come on. She left me no choice.

“It will hurt her, but not as much as she’s hurt me. That pain will never heal.”

Irene Muir said: “After Nathan left, I sat down and listened to the song properly for the first time.

“He’s absolutely right. I’m an utter disgrace who cannot be forgiven.”