Sunday, 27th September 2020

Priti Patel to make not reading Daily Mail an act of terrorism

PRITI Patel has vowed to make failure to read the Daily Mail a terrorist act punishable with life in prison. 

Writing in the Daily Mail, the obese-from-the-neck-down home secretary warned that anyone wilfully and flagrantly refusing to read the Mail and follow its rules was morally equivalent to Al-Qaeda, and would be treated accordingly.

She continued: “The Daily Mail not only tells you what to think, it tells you the kind of person you should be.

“Mean, envious, outwardly outraged at the grasping venality of others while hoarding every bit of cash and status you can get for yourself. Endlessly, viciously judgemental.

“And yet there are still millions of Britons who refuse to learn the new rules. Who believe that ‘independent thought’ is defensible. Who do not look to Richard Littlejohn for instructions on how to live.

“That ends now. I will be introducing legislation to Parliament, legislation written by the Daily Mail, making it a terrorist offence not to read the newspaper and a criminal offence not to parrot its reactionary opinions to others.

“Anyone failing a basic comprehension test can read the Sun instead. We’re not cruel people. It’s just that we own you.”