Priti Patel to make not reading Daily Mail an act of terrorism

PRITI Patel has vowed to make failure to read the Daily Mail a terrorist act punishable with life in prison. 

Writing in the Daily Mail, the obese-from-the-neck-down home secretary warned that anyone wilfully and flagrantly refusing to read the Mail and follow its rules was morally equivalent to Al-Qaeda, and would be treated accordingly.

She continued: “The Daily Mail not only tells you what to think, it tells you the kind of person you should be.

“Mean, envious, outwardly outraged at the grasping venality of others while hoarding every bit of cash and status you can get for yourself. Endlessly, viciously judgemental.

“And yet there are still millions of Britons who refuse to learn the new rules. Who believe that ‘independent thought’ is defensible. Who do not look to Richard Littlejohn for instructions on how to live.

“That ends now. I will be introducing legislation to Parliament, legislation written by the Daily Mail, making it a terrorist offence not to read the newspaper and a criminal offence not to parrot its reactionary opinions to others.

“Anyone failing a basic comprehension test can read the Sun instead. We’re not cruel people. It’s just that we own you.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Wear a jumper, and other really f**king obvious autumn wardrobe ideas

THE leaves are turning, the nights are drawing in, it will soon be f**king freezing. Try these excruciatingly obvious ways of adapting your wardrobe:

Wear a jumper

Want to get yourself ready for autumn? Simply put on more clothes. Put on the T-shirt you’ve been wearing over summer and stick a jumper on over it. Done. You don’t have to worry about them matching because the jumper covers up the T-shirt.

Put on tights

Alternatively, if you’re a lady who has spent summer wearing a lot of dresses, consider wearing the same dress with a pair of warm tights. Cold arms? Get a cardigan.

Stop wearing sandals

If your feet are feeling chilly, it might be because you’re wearing sandals in October. Put on a pair of trainers or boots, you f**kwit.

Wear a vest

Bit nippy? You don’t always have to go in over the top. Wear a vest under the clothes you already own and you’ll be warmer than you were before, which is dressing for autumn, because the main feature of autumn is the drop in temperature.

Get out your winter coat

You didn’t need it in the summer, but unless you’re f**king mental you still own at least one winter coat. Just get it out of your wardrobe and wear it. No, you don’t need a new one.

Wear a hat and gloves

For f**k’s sake, how much wardrobe help do you need? If you’re really too clueless to put extra coverings on cold extremities frankly you deserve whatever pneumonia is coming your way.