Female friendships 'exhausting', women confirm

WOMEN have agreed that friendship with other women is too stressful, preferring male-style friendships without any obligation for emotional support. 

The move comes after a number of long phone calls about relationships, the proliferation of WhatsApp groups requiring constant attention and the organising of a weekend away for Sophie’s birthday to ‘make her feel special’.

Nikki Hollis, aged 37, said: “Emma texted me last night with seven questions in a row. How’s Jake? Did you go to that place? How’s the cat? Did you sort things out with your mum? And you can’t miss out one answer or it’s rude. I’m shattered.

“You also have to buy a proper gift for their birthday and make sure to message them before Facebook reminds you, and it can’t be a voucher or they’ll be offended.

“And each time they f**k up their life, you have to spend ages thinking of ways that your own life is far worse, to make them feel better.

“Meanwhile my partner Jake talks to his mates about football, Jason Statham films and former Page 3 model Keeley Hazell. That sounds way better.”

Jake agreed: “Nikki is broken and exhausted by her friendships. I see my best mates Ryan and Tom couple of times a year, tops. I think Ryan got divorced. He seems fine.”

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Woman who accidentally cooked vegan meal making massive f**king deal about it

A WOMAN who has realised that the meal she has prepared happens to be vegan will not stop banging on about it.

Hannah Tomlinson of Wallingford is a committed carnivore who has never even contemplated the inconvenience of giving up meat but is determined to wring every drop of moral superiority from this happy accident.

She said: “It’s vegan. Are you enjoying it? Did you know it’s vegan? Because it’s vegan.

“I’ve always suspected that deep down I was a caring person who thinks about the planet so I guess this is proof. And I already feel so healthy! And thinner.

“Now I get why vegans are into it. The sense of self-righteousness is killer. It’s almost as good as the feeling I get from sinking my teeth into a rare steak.

“Yes I’ll be eating a chocolate mousse for pudding and drinking milk before bed and frying up bacon for breakfast, but the important thing is I’ve taken my first steps to a lifestyle of sanctimonious martyrdom.

“From now on, I’m definitely going to describe myself as ‘flexitarian’.”