THE government last night dismissed fears over its massive, evil database insisting it would only ever be used to peer into the very depths of your soul.
Ministers have been forced to defend plans to record every email, text message, internet search and phone call, against critics who say it is both terrifying and tremendously fucked-up.
But home secretary Jacqui Smith stressed the database was not only essential to the war on terror, but would bring government and citizen much closer together.
She said: "Look, the thing is, I like you – a lot – and I just want to know everything about you.
"I can't 'give' myself to someone unless I know I can trust them completely. D'you know what I'm saying?
"I need to know your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your freaky online habits and your socially unacceptable opinions."
She added: "Think of it as a romantic dinner where you're telling me your entire life story, except the table's bugged and I'm listening to you in that suspicious looking van across the road."
Insisting she would only have us killed if she had no choice, Ms Smith said: "The easiest thing is to just stop being different in any way.
"But, on the outside chance your data does match our Profile of Unacceptability, I will make sure they use a high-powered rifle."