Public Has Nothing To Fear From Gigantic, All-Powerful Database

THE government last night dismissed fears over its massive, evil database insisting it would only ever be used to peer into the very depths of your soul.

Ministers have been forced to defend plans to record every email, text message, internet search and phone call, against critics who say it is both terrifying and tremendously fucked-up.

But home secretary Jacqui Smith stressed the database was not only essential to the war on terror, but would bring government and citizen much closer together.

She said: "Look, the thing is, I like you – a lot – and I just want to know everything about you.

"I can't 'give' myself to someone unless I know I can trust them completely. D'you know what I'm saying?

"I need to know your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your freaky online habits and your socially unacceptable opinions."

She added: "Think of it as a romantic dinner where you're telling me your entire life story, except the table's bugged and I'm listening to you in that suspicious looking van across the road."

Insisting she would only have us killed if she had no choice, Ms Smith said: "The easiest thing is to just stop being different in any way.

"But, on the outside chance your data does match our Profile of Unacceptability, I will make sure they use a high-powered rifle."

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Teenagers Urged To Sponge Groins After Sex

TEENAGERS are being urged to sponge themselves thoroughly following a sharp increase in young person's sex diseases.

Health department statistics show a 13% rise in cracklice among 16-24 year olds, as well as another year-on-year increase in bumhoops.

The recent fashion for casual, unsupervised intercourse with red-heads has also led to a sharp rise in incurable gingerrhea.

Sir Liam Donaldson, the government's chief medical officer, said: "To achieve optimum post-coital cleanliness, boys should wipe their private area with a soft sponge and some Pears Soap. It will remove the tiny sex germs and help to minimise scrotal chafing."

He added: "Girls who are actively private should do their sex standing up and then push very hard on their belly button for 15 minutes.

"To obstruct the progress of sexual bacteria, they should then pour a jug of luke-warm water down their bloomers and sit on a cold step."

The government is also urging girls to sterilse their skipping ropes and has ordered the secondary modern schools to be deloused after an infestation of gonorrhoea spiders.

Sir Liam blamed popular music stars such as Perry Como and Lonnie Donegan for making sex diseases so fashionable, adding: "Alas, it would seem most boys would rather have herpes than a new train set."