Reading about drugs made Ed Miliband have a whitey

ED MILIBAND thought his face was melting after reading about the effects of drug use for the first time.

“I thought I’d turned into a snowman”

The Labour leader had agreed to recreationally research illegal substances with shadow cabinet colleagues after agreeing that nobody would do anything stupid like allowing it to influence policy.

Tristram Hunt said: “Someone had passed him the report on cannabis reclassification and he’d been holding onto it much too long.

“Ed was white-faced, sweating, pupils like black holes.

“He could hardly speak and when he did it was utter nonsense like ‘less harmful than alcohol’, ‘huge tax yield’ and ‘put that Caribou album on again’.

“I took him to the toilet, where he spent two hours vomiting and saying ‘don’t let my mum see me like this’.”

Miliband said: “I was in a haze where outlandish visions of thriving urban farms and reduced prison numbers swam before me singing the old Shake ‘n’ Vac song.

“I plan to tour schools scaring children straight with the terrifying story of my real-life second-hand drug experience. It will mean so much more coming from someone they respect.”

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We are not interested in touching you, royals told

BRITONS have confirmed that they have no interest in touching the royal family.

After US basketball player LeBron James was accused of breaking protocol by touching Kate Middleton’s shoulders, everyone in Britain confirmed there was no need for such rules.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I don’t go around touching strangers, especially if they look like Prince Philip.

“And if any of them, including the queen, touches me I will punch them in the face.”

Engineer Roy Hobbs said: “I would probably touch Prince Andrew because he looks soft and plump, like a big cushion.”