Rees-Mogg launches steampunk revolution

JACOB Rees-Mogg is to take over Britain at the head of a steampunk army.

The rebel MP is marching on London with 10,000 heavily armed steampunks and has ordered Theresa May to leave Downing Street or be blasted with an ornate bazooka.

Meanwhile, Rees-Mogg has outlined plans for a post-Brexit Britain of brass automatons, clockwork cars and steam-powered internet.

He said: “With myself at the helm, we will forge a brave new nation of valves and pumps, of smoked-glass goggles and Tesla coils, of transatlantic tunnels and invincible British airships darkening European skies.

“Somewhere around 1900, our birthright as a nation was snatched from us. I propose to reset the calendar and do the last hundred years or so properly, with parliament returned to its advisory role and the monarch in absolute power.

“Don’t you want your sons to be the first to wear top hats on Mars? Your daughters waited on by a house-robot named Stevens who contains a fully-functioning pipe organ capable of playing eight different hymns?”

Political commentator Eleanor Shaw said: “This is easily the most coherent vision of post-Brexit Britain we’ve heard so far.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Plastic-free aisle in supermarkets to become hook-up joint for sanctimonious twats

PLASTIC-free aisles in supermarkets are to be used like singles bars by committed environmentalists, it has emerged.

Green shoppers have rejected online dating because it uses fossil-fuel generated electricity and are set to take over the new aisles where they can share their passion for yoghurt that is sold in a paper bag.

Tom Logan said: “Normally when I go to Tesco I hang around in the ‘free from’ section in the hope that I can hook up with a fellow environmentalist, but the danger is they might be a normal Earth-murderer with a wheat intolerance.

“In the plastic-free aisle I can meet someone who shares my passion for freeing our beautiful world of pollution. I can imagine the moment our eyes meet over a string bag full of organic avocados.

“Then we’ll waltz dreamily round into the freezer section for a bag of peas. I love the Earth, but how do you expect me to get peas home without a plastic bag?”

Tesco store assistant Wayne Hayes said: “If he’s so concerned about plastic waste why the fuck is he shopping in Tesco in the first place?”