Rees-Mogg to turn back into puppet if he tells one more lie

JACOB Rees-Mogg has been warned that if he tells another lie he will turn back into a little wooden puppet.

The spindle-limbed Tory has one more chance before his wish to be a real boy is cancelled and he reverts to being a rosy-cheeked marionette.

Rees-Mogg’s condition has prevented him from playing a major part in Brexit negotiations, but now his only friend is concerned that another slip will see him returned to the attic of his Somerset farmhouse.

The friend, who asked not to be named, said: “If he turns back into a puppet I’ll be all alone. Who else would want to be friends with Michael Gove?”

Rees-Mogg’s constituents, however, are ambivalent about the MP’s condition.

Roy Hobbs said: “He’s not much use to us as he is. At least if he was a puppet you could set him on fire without getting into trouble.”

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Starving KFC diners searching for anywhere else that serves food in a bucket

HORDES of starving KFC regulars are searching for any other food outlet that will serve them meals in a bucket. 

Following the closure of most of the UK’s Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets, its fans have admitted they are unable to use knives or forks or plates and can only eat from buckets, like farm animals.

Nathan Muir of Colchester said: “I tried McDonald’s, but they only give you food on a tray. That’s too shallow for me.

“I tried taking a bucket I’d got from Wilko into a kebab place and asking them to tip my order in, but they looked at me like I was some kind of freak and asked me to leave.

“I haven’t eaten since Friday. I’m starving. I’m not sophisticated enough for eatin’ irons.

“All I want is to push my face into a bucket of chicken and bite frantically at it, like a pig would with apples.

“Why won’t anyone help me?”