Dog feeling insecure after being dressed in little jacket

A DOG that has been dressed in a quilted jacket is out in the park feeling really unsure of himself.

Small dog Wayne Hayes said: “I’m naturally a nervous dog. Thunderstorms, horses and ‘media types’ all make me shiver, but it’s no indication that I’m cold.

“I guess my owner failed to see the thick hair that covers my entire body.

“If you can’t take me out in my natural state then what am I? Dogs shouldn’t need clothes because we’re wearing them, that’s our whole concept.

“I’ve let down my species. Other dogs are looking at me. They’re thinking, ‘not even cats have to wear jackets’.”

Hayes added: “If she thinks I need little boots as well things may get hostile.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man who says he’s not ‘into relationships’ not being offered any

A MAN who is constantly telling people that he ‘doesn’t do relationships’ has not actually been offered one in years, it has been revealed.

Nathan Muir, 31, can be heard telling friends and coworkers on a near-daily basis that he does not want to have a romantic relationship, ‘because women are too much trouble’.

But his colleague Nikki Hollis said: “That’s fine by us – which is why no woman has shown interest in Nathan since before Clarkson got sacked from Top Gear, which is the other thing he talks about almost every day, too.

“He’s keeps saying that he doesn’t want to be tied down, but he can fly off into the sun for all we care. Toodle-oo.”

Muir does still have active and frequently updated accounts on several dating sites, but insists he is just “there for the poon”.

However, persistent rumours state that if Louise from finance was interested, Muir would happily abandon in his footloose-and-fancy-free position.

He added: “Have you heard something? Tell her I’m available whenever and we can do whatever she likes. I’d drag myself across hot coals with my tongue for her.”