Referendum includes ‘what your mates think’ option

THE referendum ballot paper includes an option for voters whose priority is not upsetting their friends, officials have explained.

Voters can ignore the ‘Remain’ and ‘Leave’ boxes and simply put a cross next to ‘How my friends voted’ if they just want to fit in and not risk losing popularity.

Referendum official Donna Sheridan said: “It became apparent that many voters were too spineless, gormless or lazy to form their own opinions.

“As a result we’ve offered a third choice in which our computers record your vote as however your friends have voted. If their opinions are divided, it just copies the most gobby ones.

“This option has the advantage of preventing tension in households, workplaces and pubs because it enables you to go with the flow, like a sheep in a lorry going to the abattoir.”

Office manager Roy Hobbs said: “If I have my own opinion it might be different to my friend Geoff and he’ll say I want 10 million immigrants to come here.

“But if my friends all vote remain and I don’t they’ll say ‘D’you want people to lose their jobs?’, but what I really want is to not think about it at all.

“So after careful consideration I’m voting how everyone else votes. You won’t change my mind because I’m sticking to my decision, whatever it is.”

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Racist nan definitely going to bother

A RACIST nan who is fuelled entirely by hate has began her slow and unsteady journey to the polling station.

89-year-old Mary Fisher confirmed plans to get herself down to the local community centre and cast her vote against foreigners, even if it took half an hour just to get her coat on.

Like a salmon swimming upstream to spawn and then die, Fisher plans to expire shortly after the referendum and leave the younger generations to deal with the consequences.

She said: “I am old now, and my life is behind me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t bollocks things up for everyone else.

“Not all old people are racist, that is a tired stereotype. However I am very racist, particularly against the Chinese, who are not even in the EU but I see this as I step towards keeping all the buggers out.

“Also I want to make it harder for people to go on foreign holidays because they should be satisfied with a weekend in Tenby, going on the donkeys and drinking Slush Puppies.”

Neighbour Roy Hobbs said: “You have to admire her determination, but she did try to poison my cat last year so she’s definitely not all good.

“I’m driving to the polling station to vote against her. I said she could have a lift but she accused me of being a filthy pervert.”