Britain in historic vote that only a handful of twats wanted in the first place

BRITAIN faces a tumultuous decision today because of a relatively small number of annoying, obsessive twats, experts have confirmed.

The country will vote on whether to remain in the European Union thanks to the weirdest members of the Conservative Party and a man who sounds like an angry duck and looks like a monkey had sex with a trout.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Like me, you were probably minding your own business and managing not to think about the EU because it’s so utterly fucking tedious.

“If you did ever think about it then it would probably have been along the lines of ‘it’s a bureaucracy and they tend not to be perfect, but I realise I have to accept that because I’m not a child’.

“But then some right wing oddballs decide to inflict their pathetic neuroses and tawdry power struggles on the rest of us, and so now we all hate each other more than ever. Spiffing.”

He added: “Fuck Britain.”

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Spoiler-conscious Game of Thrones fans excited by some vague thing that happened

GAME of Thrones fans are running out of spoiler-free ways to describe a big thing that happened.

Giving away a spoiler for Game of Thrones is considered the biggest faux pas in social media, leaving viewers struggling to find the most general way of describing recent storylines.

Stephen Malley posted: “God…that was…well… Jesus…God…Christ #GameofThrones.”

Recruitment consultant Nikki Hollis wrote: “Last night’s GoT was off the wall! That thing that happened at the end! OMG! What an unexpected event!”

Malley replied: “Wasn’t it! That occurrence though! How the….!!

“And what about the other thing that hasn’t happened yet, but is related to the thing that happened last night with that character and that object. If that happened, that would be insane.”

Teacher Wayne Hayes said: “There should be two Facebooks, one for people who’ve seen the new episode of Game of Thrones and are happy to talk about it freely and one for those who haven’t.

“Maybe a third Facebook for people who couldn’t care less about fucking Game of Thrones.”