Remainer stockpiling self-righteousness for no-deal Brexit

A KEEN Remainer is stockpiling self-righteousness in his garage in preparation for a no-deal Brexit. 

Joseph Turner of Bristol is worried that his previously inexhaustible stocks of smugness will quickly run out once no-deal has happened, so is making sure he still has sufficent supplies in reserve.

He said: “After October 31st, should the worst happen and the idiots get their way, the most important thing is that I’ll be able to stand there, arms folded, and say ‘I told you so.’

“But with the chaos that’s set to ensure – 25-mile lorry queues, restriction of imports from the continent, rationing – there’s a real risk that people who are wrong will not be condescended to.

“So I’m stockpiling. Right now I’ve got self-righteousness to spare. The sensible thing to do is to build up a supply and then, when the country’s going to hell, I’ll still have a sanctimonious smile playing across my educated lips.”

Turner’s stocks are expected to last him until the end of November, when an armed gang of Brexiters will raid them then smugly tell him it is all his own fault.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman asked when she's having baby replies 'When the devil impregnates me with his evil seed'

A WOMAN is so sick of being asked when she is starting a family that she has begun to answer ‘when Satan spills his diabolical black spunk in my womb’. 

31-year-old Nikki Hollis, who has been in a relationship for three years, is regularly questioned by family, friends and total strangers about when she plans to get pregnant even though it is none of their business.

She said: “I know society teaches us that if a woman hasn’t forced another human out of her vagina by the time she’s 30 she’s either a pitiable, barren freak or a foul witch, so I plumped for the latter.

“I’ve explained that we have to wait for a super blood wolf moon, for the full coven to assemble and perform the ritual, and for Lucifer himself to rise from his infernal realm to fill me with his malevolent spawn. It keeps me entertained.

“Mostly everyone’s stopped asking questions, though Marie in payroll who loves babies is already saying she can’t wait to see his darling little cloven hooves and stroke the mark of the beast on his head. Takes all sorts.”

Hollis’s mother Dorothy said: “I’m so desperate for grandchildren that I’d welcome the son of Beelzebub at this point. All babies are evil anyway.”