Rosa Klebb Wins Labour Deputy Contest

SMERSH assassin Rosa Klebb is the new deputy leader of the Labour Party after a closely fought contest in which she killed all of her rivals.

Klebb's victory confounded the pundits who had written her off after she had threatened to poison anyone who got in the way of her mission.

The 56 year-old Camberwell MP promised to bring a new approach to politics and said she was looking forward to strangling Peter Hain while he slept.

Klebb has been described as a moderniser, a feminist and one of the most ruthless and efficient killing machines in Europe.

Her trademark 'knife-shoes' brought a splash of colour to an otherwise humdrum campaign.

She said she was honoured to serve alongside Gordon Brown adding: "The right leadership team for the Labour Party was one that encompassed the north and south, that was the balanced team of a man and woman working together and that included a brooding sociopath and a trained killer."


  • Age: 56

  • Family: Married, three children

  • School: St Paul's Girls School, London

  • University: The East Berlin Technical Institute for Killing People

  • Political hero: Ernst Stavro Blofeld

  • Good night out/in: Getting together with the family and/or killing people

  • Hobbies: Cooking, family get-togethers, killing people

  • Favourite book: We Need to Talk About Kevin, by Lionel Shriver

  • Best thing on TV: Cash in the Attic, River Cottage

  • Bad habits: Using too much piano wire
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Old Firm Link To Spoiled Ballots

MORE than 99% of the spoiled ballots in the Holyrood election came from areas with the highest concentration of Rangers and Celtic supporters, according to new research.

In Stirling, which has pointless football teams with no obvious sectarian alignment, 633 votes were discounted.

But the figure rose to more than 75,000 in Glasgow Shettleston and Glasgow Govan, both areas with endemic Old Firm support.

Dr Wayne Hayes, of Glasgow Clyde University, said: "Because there were two ballot papers, Old Firm fans naturally assumed that one was Catholic and the other was Protestant and expressed themselves accordingly.

"This highlights a need for the removal of the franchise from Old Firm supporters.

"Election workers have better things to do than decipher the irrelevant, halfwit doodlings of Ranger and Celtic fans."

David Murray, chairman of Rangers, dismissed the report, adding: "The main thing is, they can remember their pin numbers."