Scotland allowed to run the UK every other year

DAVID Cameron has agreed to let Edinburgh and London take turns running the country. 

Under new rules the House of Commons will pass all powers to the Scottish Parliament on 2 January, 2015, after which the English will labour under the yoke of free universities and prescriptions for a full year, unless the money runs out.

The prime minister said: “It will be especially difficult for Southerners, who’ll have to adjust to the unprecedented humiliation of being ruled from hundreds of miles away by leaders who would never visit their nasty city.

“Meanwhile, residents of the North of England will experience less change, merely alternating between London and Edinburgh in their hatred for the out-of-touch elitists they didn’t vote for.”

Construction is already underway on a three-mile square floating city of lobbyists which will be anchored in the Thames or the Forth depending on who is in power.


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Office joker spends three hours a night running material

OFFICE joker Stephen Malley has admitted his seemingly spontaneous workplace quips are rigorously workshopped.

The 32-year-old solutions strategist is known throughout the business for his sideways perspectives on office life, but what he makes appear effortless actually places huge demands on him.

He said: “When I get home from work that’s when my real job begins.

“Nobody sees me sweating for hours over one-liners about the HR department, but comedy gold like this doesn’t just come from thin air.

“That joke I made yesterday about how Julie always hogs the printers? That started its life back in 2005 about Karen and the fax machine. Taken literally years.”

Malley admitted employing a team of writers to work with him on wisecracks about colleagues for a brief period, but it became hard to justify paying their salaries.

Instead he has taken an evening entry-level position at a small business where he can roadtest an observational routine about Conference Room B on an audience with low expectations.