Scotland To Buy Second Hand Car With Own Money

FIRST minister Alex Salmond will today announce that Scotland is to get a part-time job and save up enough money to buy a car.

Salmond will outline an 18-month strategy centred around bar work and shelf-stacking, but could even go as far as up to six hours a week at Greggs.

The bold initiative, which threatens to change the course of British history, will culminate in the purchase of a 1997 Vauxhall Corsa.

Salmond said: "Having a car will be totally brilliant. We could even drive to Italy or Spain next summer."

He said that it was natural for small European nations to have their own cars stressing that Ireland now has a five year-old Audi A3 while Estonia and Lithuania have recently bought Fiestas.

But political analyst Dr Wayne Hayes of Dundee University said: "Salmond may have grand plans for his Corsa, but in reality he'll spend most of his time sitting in the car park at Aldi and borrowing money for petrol."

Prime minister Gordon Brown, who drives a high-mileage BMW 5-series, warned Scotland that a part-time job and a car were serious responsibilities.

He added: "If Scotland is going to start earning money then its first priority should be the household bills.

"I don't see why I should be paying for Quorn sausages and forking out £15.99 a month for wireless broadband that I don't even bloody use."

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Pensioner Completes Motorway Middle Lane Marathon

ELDERLY driver David Jackers yesterday stayed in the middle lane of the motorway for all of his 400 mile journey from Bristol to Glasgow in what police are calling the most "half-arsed" motoring they have ever seen. 

Mr Jackers joined the M4 at Bristol shortly before 9am and quickly moved his Morris Minor and 26-ft six-birth Elddis Crusader Super Storm caravan into the centre lane of the three lane highway.

He maintained this driving position and a steady speed of 48 mph until he joined the M8 on the outskirts at Glasgow at 10pm that night, despite causing a series of huge tailbacks and dangerous undertaking manoeuvres by angry and frustrated road users.

Mr Jackers only once left the middle lane, when he pulled into the Tebay services on the M6 to purchase a vegetarian Cornish pastie for his lunch.

His wife Enid had a cheese and onion slice and a packet of hand cooked sea salt and black pepper crisps, which she described as “a bit pricey”.

Mrs Jackers said: “We had a lovely journey and took it very easy all the way up. We really enjoy driving on the motorway. David just points the Morris at the middle lane and before you know it we are in Scotland.

“Because we don’t have to change lanes or anything complicated David and I have plenty of time to wave at all the friendly people who flash and wave at us as they go past on either side. It’s really great fun.”

Chief Super Intendant Tony Croker, of the Lancashire Traffic Police, said Mr Jackers was “an arse” and a danger to himself and other drivers and called for the general pubic to force his Morris Minor off the road and into a ditch.

Robert Preston, 43,  photo-copier salesmen from Clydebank who was stuck in an eight mile tailback after a slow moving lorry took an hour and a half to overtake the Jackers, said: “Kill them, kill them now.”