World Share Prices To Go Up And Down

WORLD stock markets will move up and down a lot this week triggering a new ice age and a plague of painful boils on the arse of every homeowner.

Interest rates may also go up or down so everyone will either go bankrupt and lose their homes or buy a brand new sports car and ditch their spouse for someone younger and better looking.

Share prices will soar, plummet and then soar again, for no apparent reason, making a small number of already extremely wealthy people even more rich while plunging all normal people into poverty and starvation.

Evan Davies, the BBC’s economics editor, said: “You really have to think of the world economy as a giant fish.  

“If it is swimming happily in shallow waters in a clockwise motion then long-term interest rates may well be on a downward curve, thanks to gyrations in the so-called sub-prime mortgage loans scandal, and the ice age may not start for another decade.

“But if the global economic fish is lying on its back in the sand, thrashing around and gasping for breath then none of us will be able to sit down for six years due to arse boils. It’s that simple.”

Meanwhile in a bid to bring some stability to the world’s troubled stock exchanges the International Monetary Fund has told share dealers to calm down and “stop fannying about”.

An IMF spokesman said: “These tossers in the stripey shirts may think running around shouting ‘sell, sell, sell’ is enormous fun but it’s not them who has to flog their children off as slaves to keep up the payments on the house.”

Alistair Darling, the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, said he did not have a clue what was going on and was “fucking bricking it”.

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Heathrow Protestors Hold Barbecue For Climate Change

CLIMATE change campaigners are to hold a week-long ‘barbecue for a cooler world’ at their Heathrow protest camp to highlight the dangers of global warming.

A giant beef burger in the shape of the earth will be roasted on a huge grill every night to flag up the dramatic recent rises in the planet’s temperature.

Another huge barbecue made from 40 oil drums and filled with a tonne of burning charcoal will be used to cook a huge replica of a jumbo jet made entirely from sausage.

Jad Fazely, 23, an eco-warrior, said the aircraft’s body would be pork and leek, while the tail section would be constructed using the traditional Scottish Lorne, or square, sausage.

He said: “The hydraulic landing gear will be made out of some quite spicy lamb and cumin jobbies, and for the tyres we are going to use a really nice herby Cumberland.”

Mr Fazely said he decided to call the plane a ‘sausage jumbo’ because it was jumbo-sized and made out of sausage. “Do you see what I just did there?” he added.

The camp will conclude with a huge bonfire party at the end of which protestors will set light to a giant wicker effigy of the Virgin Atlantic boss Sir Richard Branson.

“Our activists have flown in from all corners of the globe to be at this camp, so we wanted to make sure we put on a decent show,” Mr Fazely said.