Scotland wants independence too, but in a bad way

SCOTLAND wants independence in a way that is nationalistic rather than patriotic, according to the government.

Yesterday’s vote in the Holyrood parliament for a referendum has been condemned as a misguided attempt to imitate the UK’s historic vote of last year but getting it completely backwards. 

A government spokesman said: “It would be cute if it wasn’t so deluded. 

“What the Scots, bless them, have done is mistaken freedom from the iron hand of Europe, a despotic empire bleeding the UK dry, for freedom from the benevolent rule of Britain which only has their best interests at heart. 

“It’s childish really. And we’ve tried to tell them, but instead they’ve voted to have a referendum which they’re not allowed and which is simply ungrateful. 

“Deliberately spoiling our big day of throwing off the undemocratic shackles of the EU is just rude. We might have to punish them by taking their parliament away.”

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You could have just emailed, says EU

EU LEADERS are puzzled about why Britain wrote them a letter in the age of electronic communication.

EU president Jean-Claude Juncker said: “These days we tend to go in more for emails, it’s a lot less hassle.

“I mean it’s totally up to you if you want to dick about with writing actual letters then getting some guy with a suitcase to hand-deliver them, but personally – and I believe most of the world is with me on this – I think it’s a pain in the arse.

“You could communicate by telegram if you like, or write in goat’s blood on a tiny piece of parchment and then attach it to a dove’s leg.

“That would be exactly that sort of perversely antiquated thing you people seem to enjoy.”