THE Labour leadership contest has been blown wide open after the shock return of Stryker, the secret Miliband brother.
Stryker Miliband made his dramatic intervention yesterday during a press conference by his older brother. Walking onto the podium, he removed a wig and false moustache, looked at the shadow foreign secretary and said: “Surprised to see me David? Well now I’m back and I want what’s mine.”
A senior Labour source said: “Stryker has always been spoken of in hushed terms. We all thought he had been killed in a freak horse riding accident in 1994. It now seems that was all part of his plan.
“As children, David and Ed formed a very close bond and ganged up on Stryker who was their parents’ favourite. When he was 10 they framed him for the murder of a cat and he was sent away to live with some Welsh people.”
But the young Stryker, forced to sharpen knives for a living and tell fortunes for lonely sailors, vowed that one day he would return and claim his birthright.
After working his way through Harvard and the Sorbonne he went on to build a global business empire using a series of fake identities.
He dated models, bought a private jet to fly between his luxury homes in Dubai and the Bahamas and used his impeccable business contacts to ensure both his brothers rose through the Labour Party so that one day he would have the satisfaction of snatching the ultimate victory from their grasp.
The source added: “Stryker is everything you want in a Miliband. He’s handsome, rugged, successful, sporty and charismatic, rather than just some fucking weirdo.
“He also knows how to smile properly, instead of looking like someone who’s just shat themselves.”
The stage is now set for an epic sibling battle filled with intrigue, betrayal and dirty tricks that can only be settled by securing a majority in an electoral college consisting of MPs, trade unions, constituency associations and ordinary and affiliate party members using transferable second preference votes that will be re-allocated if their first choice is eliminated after the first round.