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Shadow minister for Self-Important Political Gestures resigns

THE shadow minister for Resigning To Make A Political Point has offered her resignation to Jeremy Corbyn. 

MP Helen Archer, who took the position in order to damage Jeremy Corbyn, has joined the junior minister for Storming Out Angrily and the minister for Self-Important Political Gestures in leaving the front bench. 

She said: “The sacking of shadow culture secretary Michael thingy has left me with no option but to tender my resignation. 

“The shadow cabinet, a group of people who pretend to have jobs they do not actually have, is now missing several key positions including under-minister for Pompously Walking Out On Principle. 

“Frankly they cannot function any longer and Jeremy Corbyn must quit immediately. 

“Either that or I’ll take my old job back. I don’t think they’ve noticed I’ve gone.”

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Discarded crisp packet captivates social media

BRITAIN’S offices have ground to a halt after workers discovered a live video feed of a discarded crisp packet lying in a street.

Workers have found themselves captivated by a Periscope video feed showing a crisp packet that is partially wedged under a bin in Doncaster.

Telesales operative Nikki Hollis said: “The crisp bag is fluttering in the wind.

“This morning at 5.24am, when I got up specially to watch it on my laptop, a hedgehog came near it.”

Engineer Norman Steele said: “I can see all of life in that little crisp packet. Like us it trapped between the gutter and the stars, or to be more precise a bin and the pavement.

“I’ve even given it a name, ‘Crispie’.”

However, the crisp packet has since been revealed as the work of digital marketing agency MediaPlayBox.

Managing director Tom Booker said: “While taking some time out from creating inane drivel for soulless corporations, I decided to wedge a crisp bag under a bin and point a camera at it, because I knew people would like that.”

He added: “I hate you, but I also hate myself.”

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