Shapps forced to use own get-rich-quick schemes

FORMER minister Grant Shapps is being forced to earn a living with his own get-rich-quick schemes.

After resigning over a party bullying scandal, Shapps is now financially dependent on his internet ‘marketing’ business based on e-books, blogs and other things that do not sound very profitable to sensible people.

Shapps said: “As my original website explained, you don’t need any particular skills to make $1,000 a day from sitting at home fiddling with the internet, so I should be coining it in soon.

“People are crying out for blogs full of mediocre content and weird schemes that sound a bit like pyramid selling. There just isn’t enough of that on the internet.

“I’m also looking at ventures like a website full of cat pictures that earns 0.0000001p every time someone clicks on an advert for natural weight-loss tricks doctors don’t want you to know about.”

Shapps said anyone wishing to share in his success should invest in one of his new e-books, such as Make Money FAST!!!, Win With Hot Women or Ultimate Streetfighting Techniques.

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‘Saint Andrew’ just another name for Loch Ness monster

SCOTLAND is taking the day off to worship its water dinosaur, it has emerged.

Saint Andrew’s Day is a Scottish bank holiday during which monster-based rituals and sacrifices are thinly disguised behind some vague Bible stuff.

Scotsman Roy Hobbs said: “‘Saint Andrew’ is just another name for the mighty dinosaur, who is also known as ‘Auld Snakie’ and ‘Big Billy Ness’. It sounds a bit more ‘proper’, you know? And more human too, I suppose.”

Hobbs added: “He is our long-necked master. It is said that our ancestors captured him in their fishing nets, but released him in exchange for the Irn Bru recipe.

“Every year we must give thanks. High priestess Sturgeon will spill a virgin’s blood onto the shore of the loch while our bagpipes mimic the mating call of the plesiosaur.

“Then there’s a massive piss up, of course.”