Shit-shoveller to keep job until all the shit is shovelled

THERESA May is allowed to keep her position as universally loathed shit-shoveller until the shit is shovelled, the Conservatives have confirmed. 

May, who was given the job immediately after an enormous load of shit arrived and all other candidates pulled out, saw her request for a new shovel refused and was ordered to get on with it.

A member of the 1922 Committee said: “There is a lot of shit. But she volunteered.

“And immediately she took the job she did go a bit shit-crazy, flinging it everywhere and declaring that shit was brilliant now and it didn’t even need cleaning up.

“Then last year she found herself waist-deep in shit, again her fault, and she’s been trying to dig herself out ever since but doesn’t seem to know where to start.

“No, we’re not giving her any help or anywhere to get rid of it. That’s her problem. She’s the shit-shoveller.”

The committee confirmed that, once all the shit has been cleared, the position’s title would be changed to chief executive officer (waste) and re-advertised with a higher salary.

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"I am teaching my child a crucial life lesson by completing his Lego card album"

MY son has stopped giving a shit about his Lego card album, and actually I couldn’t be happier.

I have now taken over this vital project and set up a special Lego card Whats App group and bought 140 Sainsbury’s loo rolls – but I still need Hotdog Guy and Classic Alien.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to get them because the one life lesson I want to pass on to my child it’s that you must never leave an album half finished.

I would not be the man I am today had I not completed my  Figurine Panini Football 79 album. My god, but it has stood me in good stead.

Also, I do just really like Lego cards. Does anyone have any swapsies? I’ve got 11, 09, 76, 78, 94 and 113 and need 22, 87 and 64.

If you have them, you have to tell me. There’s no need for this to get nasty.