THERESA May is allowed to keep her position as universally loathed shit-shoveller until the shit is shovelled, the Conservatives have confirmed.
May, who was given the job immediately after an enormous load of shit arrived and all other candidates pulled out, saw her request for a new shovel refused and was ordered to get on with it.
A member of the 1922 Committee said: “There is a lot of shit. But she volunteered.
“And immediately she took the job she did go a bit shit-crazy, flinging it everywhere and declaring that shit was brilliant now and it didn’t even need cleaning up.
“Then last year she found herself waist-deep in shit, again her fault, and she’s been trying to dig herself out ever since but doesn’t seem to know where to start.
“No, we’re not giving her any help or anywhere to get rid of it. That’s her problem. She’s the shit-shoveller.”
The committee confirmed that, once all the shit has been cleared, the position’s title would be changed to chief executive officer (waste) and re-advertised with a higher salary.