Simpletons of Newark bereft

THE stupidest people in Newark were bereft today after being denied the chance to vote for Nigel Farage.

The town’s simpletons will still be able to vote for a UKIP candidate, just not the famous one off the television whose mouth is full of ‘sense’.

Bill McKay, the 17th stupidest person in Newark, said: “Nigel pint fag pub straight talking I really hate brown people and Spanish vegetables.

“I wanted to touch Nigel. Really, really touch him so that he would notice me and then we would become friends.”

He added: “I’m wearing an eyepatch because I had an accident involving a boiled egg.”

Jane Thompson, who leapfrogged McKay last week to become the town’s 16th stupidest person, said: “Obviously I’m sad, but I’m sure the UKIP candidate will be very nice and not racist in public.

“I do think it would be best for everyone if Lenny Henry went back to Swaziland.”

The by-election was caused by the resignation of Tory MP Patrick Mercer, who was so stupid he actually got caught-out by an undercover reporter offering cash for questions.

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£50 notes no longer illegal tender

DRUG importers, kidnappers and public officials bribed with suitcases of cash have been warned to bank their £50 notes.

The notes featuring Sir John Houblon, the first British man to bring a boatload of opium up the Thames, are being taken out of circulation after years of illegal service.

A spokesman for the Royal Mint said: “Check old attaché cases, duffel bags and the emergency stash for when the shit goes down to make sure you don’t end up tens of thousands out of pocket.

“And don’t forget that wad of fifties you stuffed down your trousers when the Butterfield blag went south. We can wash Cokey Steve’s blood right off.”

The new £50, to be brought into circulation later this year, features the traditional Queen-in-a-ski mask design on one side and an engraved portrait of notorious British drugs trafficker Curtis Warren on the reverse.

Career criminal Joseph Turner said: “It’s the lads doing bird I feel sorry for. They’ve got their pension plans sitting in the boot of a Ford Sierra in a Bermondsey lock-up, and come midnight it’s gone like Cinderella’s coach.”

Inspector Helen Archer of the Metropolitan Police said: “£50 notes are the wages of sin.

“Any member of the public who comes into contact with one should turn themselves in for money laundering and expect a stiff sentence.

“Unless, of course, they work in the City.”