Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you learn that the actor Reg Varney had a more cultured, opera-loving brother called Don G Varney.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Saturday you notice that Giggs has “4-4-2, 4-1-3-2” written on his notepad. They’re not possible formations, it’s his sister-in-law’s phone number.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
So it turns out your old schoolfriend Adam actually didn’t win the Mercury Music Prize in 1998. The lying little bastard.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Life is a cabaret, old chum. Expensive, disappointing and much better in the 1920s.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
After a horrible day at work, all you want is for him to gather you in his arms and tell you that everythings going to be okay. But hes all Please buy something or get out of my off-license, sir. The swine.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You love your cat, she’s just like a little human being that tortures small animals and likes the taste of their own arse.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve still got eggs left over from Easter, even if the omelettes you’re making from them smell a bit like trout.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Watching Adrian Chiles on the television this week, you’re faced with the awful mental image of what he must look like bending over to dry his feet after a shower.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you had starred in the film I Know What You Did Last Summer it would be about how much you sat in the park drinking Stella and pretending not to ogle groups of women.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Jupiter asked me to give you this dead arm. Come here, stop crying.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Time to shift that winter weight, as you’ve been calling the bloke you started dating on New Year’s Eve.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Trending: Your mum.