Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you learn that the actor Reg Varney had a more cultured, opera-loving brother called Don G Varney.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Saturday you notice that Giggs has “4-4-2, 4-1-3-2” written on his notepad. They’re not possible formations, it’s his sister-in-law’s phone number.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
So it turns out your old schoolfriend Adam actually didn’t win the Mercury Music Prize in 1998. The lying little bastard.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Life is a cabaret, old chum. Expensive, disappointing and much better in the 1920s.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
After a horrible day at work, all you want is for him to gather you in his arms and tell you that everything’s going to be okay. But he’s all “Please buy something or get out of my off-license, sir.” The swine.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You love your cat, she’s just like a little human being that tortures small animals and likes the taste of their own arse.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve still got eggs left over from Easter, even if the omelettes you’re making from them smell a bit like trout.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Watching Adrian Chiles on the television this week, you’re faced with the awful mental image of what he must look like bending over to dry his feet after a shower.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you had starred in the film I Know What You Did Last Summer it would be about how much you sat in the park drinking Stella and pretending not to ogle groups of women.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Jupiter asked me to give you this dead arm. Come here, stop crying.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Time to shift that winter weight, as you’ve been calling the bloke you started dating on New Year’s Eve.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Trending: Your mum.

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Tube drivers demand better daytime TV

UNDERGROUND train drivers have complained about the repetitive nature of daytime television programming.

Frequent industrial action means that tube drivers have now seen every episode of Judge Judy at least twice, and are thoroughly sick of Homes Under the Hammer.

Tube driver Tom Booker said: “When you’re on strike most of the time you soon realise there’s nothing to watch in the day but antiques auction shows, snooker repeats and maybe the odd war film with David Niven.

“I could afford Sky but I think getting it would be a betrayal of my socialist principles.

“Maybe the BBC could do a new daytime series of Doctor Who, except it’s called Doctor Tube and he drives a time-travelling train instead of a Tardis.

“We should add that to our next list of demands.”