Sir Ming Tells Leadership Critics To Speak Up

LIB Dem leader Sir Ming Campbell has challenged his leadership critics to an open debate as long as they promise to speak loudly and clearly.

The Lib Dem conference in Blackpool has been rife with speculation that Sir Ming, 81, could soon be forced to make way for an MP who still buys shampoo.

But senior Lib Dems insisted Sir Ming remained an electoral asset and poll ratings would improve as soon as his new teeth are in place.

Sir Ming, who entered to the tune of Pensylvannia 6-5000 by the Glen Miller Band, told the delegates: "My hotel is a bit cold, but they do a lovely cup of tea and the chairs are not too far from the telly."

He added: "You're as old as the woman you'd like to feel. I'm reaching my sexual peak. Feel my biceps."

After a long, rambling story about the first time he saw a banana, the Lib dem leader called for a return to simpler values and an economy based on the free exchange of powdered egg.

He added: "Has anyone seen my glasses? I say, has anyone seen my glasses?"

The glasses were later found on top of his head.

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Blue Peter Viewers Wanted To Name Cat 'Pisswizard'

THE BBC has apologised to Blue Peter viewers after fixing the results of its latest 24-hour cat-naming phone-in poll.

Production staff rejected the viewers choice and instead named the cat Mark Thompson after the BBC director general Mark Thompson.

The BBC has now launched an inquiry and promised to introduce a new kitten to the show next week which will sit on a cushion embroidered with the name 'Pisswizard'.

A BBC spokesman said: "We hope that Blue Peter can move forward into a bright new era – an era of honesty and integrity, the era of Mark Thompson and Pisswizard the kitten."

The BBC has also disclosed a series of deceptions in a bid to clear the air with viewers and regulators. Yesterday the corporation admitted:

  • Potential CBeebies presenters are judged solely on the firmness of their thighs.

  • Earlier this year Peter Sissons was forced to continue reading the news while he was having a stroke.

  • Antiques Roadshow has been undervaluing clocks since 1987.

  • Veteran golf commentator Peter Alliss attempted to influence the outcome of the 1992 Open Championship at Muirfield by repeatedly exposing himself to eventual winner Nick Faldo.

The spokesman added: "Some people may say that if you are using the threat of jail to extort money from your audience, you really shouldn't lie to them as well. But what if you then use that money to produce Strictly Come Dancing? People forget about that."