LIB Dem leader Sir Ming Campbell has challenged his leadership critics to an open debate as long as they promise to speak loudly and clearly.
The Lib Dem conference in Blackpool has been rife with speculation that Sir Ming, 81, could soon be forced to make way for an MP who still buys shampoo.
But senior Lib Dems insisted Sir Ming remained an electoral asset and poll ratings would improve as soon as his new teeth are in place.
Sir Ming, who entered to the tune of Pensylvannia 6-5000 by the Glen Miller Band, told the delegates: "My hotel is a bit cold, but they do a lovely cup of tea and the chairs are not too far from the telly."
He added: "You're as old as the woman you'd like to feel. I'm reaching my sexual peak. Feel my biceps."
After a long, rambling story about the first time he saw a banana, the Lib dem leader called for a return to simpler values and an economy based on the free exchange of powdered egg.
He added: "Has anyone seen my glasses? I say, has anyone seen my glasses?"
The glasses were later found on top of his head.