Sunday, 27th September 2020

Ten Tory candidates sent to country house to start murdering each other

THE ten candidates to become prime minister have been sent to a country house to be picked off one by one by whichever of them is secretly the killer. 

The candidates, all of whom have powerful motivations to commit the crimes and are capable of anything, will remain in the remote property until the killer is unmasked.

Tory chairman Brandon Lewis said: “The first to die will be Mark Harper, found spreadeagled on a snooker table with all the balls forced down his throat, in order, in what everyone naturally assumes is a sex game gone wrong.

“Then Esther McVey’s found hanged having spelled out Brexit in leaves with her final breath, but nobody’s sure if it’s a clue or if she just believed in it that much.

“One by one they’re killed – Hancock, Hunt, Javid, Johnson – and finally Rory Stewart gathers Leadsom, Gove and Raab and reveals they’re all murderers. And Stewart himself admits killing Johnson ‘by accident’.

“There’s a struggle for a gun, two shots, then it’s out to the Tory membership for survivors Gove and Raab to see who our new homicidal prime minister will be.

“No of course there can’t be an election. Britain will take whatever it’s given.”