The Brexiter's guide to pretending obviously bad things are good

MANY new problems with Brexit have emerged recently. Here chipper Leave voter Roy Hobbs explains why the plainly catastrophic is somehow great news for Britain.

Data roaming charges to be reintroduced in Europe

Excellent. It means our young people visiting the continent will spend less time on their phone on their favourite ‘woke’ sites. They’ll be forced to walk around taking in their surroundings, and will realise just how dreadful the EU is. 

Pigeon fanciers barred from having their birds participate in cross-channel races

Marvellous. Now our British pigeons are safe in domestic competitions. Stray into French territory and they’d doubtless be caught and eaten like horses.

A 17 per cent rise in food prices

Again, superb. Millennials are an obese crowd and food shortages will leave them leaner, fitter and more able to fight in World War 2.

EU limiting non-EU content in its broadcasting

Ha! Let them try. They’ll soon come back to the negotiating table when they pine for the wry, hilarious observations of Michael McIntyre or the quality drama of Eastenders instead of Benelux Tractor Of The Year, or whatever unwatchable drivel they watch over there.

British fishing industry ruined

They reckon without the slippery cunning of the British cod, which no European trawler is any match for. Like the plucky flotillas at Dunkirk, they’ll find a way back to British waters, to be served up at cafes in Margate and Walmington-On-Sea.

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Going down in lockdown: Matt Hancock's pandemic sex diary

DURING the past 16 months, health secretary Matt Hancock has been tirelessly protecting public health while getting his dick wet. Here’s how it went down: 

March 16, 2020

Covid-19 situation looking a bit iffy. Prime minister warning everyone not to go to pubs or clubs and avoid non-essential travel. Unprecedented and disastrous until I realise there might be a shag in this. 

March 23, 2020

Lockdown announced by PM. Think he’s probably going to deal with the whole thing himself so next six months should be pretty relaxed. Might be a good time to hire that aide I fancy.

March 27, 2020

Contracted Covid. Call Chris Whitty explaining that a friend has caught it and needs to know if it’s sexually transmitted. He says coincidence, he’s just had the same call from Boris. 

April 18, 2020

Deaths at record levels. PPE shortages critical. The whole country locked in their homes. Still on the bright side I just made third base and I feel f**king great. 

May 1, 2020

Proudly confirm to Parliament that I’ve met my 100,000 tests a day target, by cheating. Proudly confirm to Boris that I had sex five times yesterday, by cheating. 

June 15, 2020

As lockdown restrictions end, sadly explain that so must our illicit liaison. She takes it well. Add that if there’s a second lockdown we’re back on.

October 31, 2020

PM announces second lockdown. Greet aide holding bouquet with trousers round ankles. 

December 16, 2020

Explain to aide I won’t be able to see her over Christmas because regulations will be relaxed for five days for groups of up to three households to meet. She asks if I believe that bollocks. I affirm that it will definitely, without a doubt, happen. 

December 25, 2020

Spend day shagging aide in office. 

February 18, 2021

Wife asks why I have lipstick on collar. Accuse her of playing petty politics when we should be talking about our world-beating vaccine rollout. 

June 16, 2021

Johnson described me as ‘f**king useless’. Rees-Mogg describes me as a ‘successful genius’. Aide confirms one of these is a filthy lie. 

June 25, 2021

Leak footage of me squeezing aide’s arse to Sun. If Johnson won’t do the right thing for Britain and fire me, I’ll have to force his hand. Also, look! I’m shagging!