Saturday, 5th December 2020

The Brexiter's guide to pretending whatever deal Johnson gets is the exact deal you wanted

BORIS Johnson’s eventual deal with the EU will be a huge disappointment to Leave voters who never knew what they wanted anyway. Tell yourself these lies: 

Ignore all detail

Brexiters have the same level of interest in detail as potatoes have in Einstein-Rosen wormhole theory. Ignore the fact that it’s Theresa May’s deal in a plastic Union Jack hat, and just say things like “Finally we’re bloody out!”

Be an outright twat

It’s easy to ignore job losses when it’s faceless people in other parts of the country; it’s how we passed the 80s. If it’s your own family you’ll just have to be a shit about it. Tell your jobless graduate daughter fruit-picking is the new biochemistry and she could work her way up to supervisor.

Ignore immigration not stopping

Economic migrants will still come to the UK, so just completely ignore them now. This will be easy because they were never doing you any harm in the first place.

Use jargon

Sound knowledgeable by spouting random snippets of jargon you’ve read online, eg ‘Australia plus plus, plus plus plus, plus was what I voted for. Greenland doesn’t have cod rights in its ferry quota tariffs.’

Forget about all the other right-wing crap that made you vote for Brexit

Brexit was never about a supra-national trading bloc. It was random grievances: Muslims, the Germans, people on Channel 5 dole documentaries, hanging, debit cards instead of proper money, and litter in beauty spots. Plus hanging again.

Just lie, as usual

Nissan laying people off? Chaos in Dover? Ignore reality and claim everything is fine. Flatly refusing to discuss Brexit will leave you more time to focus on them bastards in dinghies.