The Government's No-Deal Brexit Preparations Guide and Complimentary Bodybag

DEAR householder, this leaflet outlines the various preparations that British citizens should make for a No-Deal Brexit. Page 24 unfolds into a free human remains pouch. 

Your No-Deal Brexit is due to take place at midnight on October 31st. Halloween celebrations will be unaffected, though children should be advised the sweets they collect will be their last.

Following the No-Deal Brexit, the UK will regain sovereignity and control of its own future. It is no longer possible to leave the UK and you should not attempt to.

In the 14 days immediately following No-Deal Brexit continue attending your place of employment until it closes down and buy only what food you need while shops remain open. After 14 days there will no longer be employers or shops.

All BBC television and radio channels will be shuttered immediately to stop the spread of dangerous Project Fear rumours. The Prime Minister will make statements each night at 9pm on Sky Sports News, free to all households.

After 28 days a programme of conscription will begin for all able-bodied adults aged between 14 and 80. Anyone caring for infants or elderly persons should stop. Report to your local Sunlit Uplands Centre to await relocation.

It is important to remember that any negative symptoms of your No-Deal Brexit are caused by Remainers. Your town hall will post bounties.

Within 60 days the less necessary members of your household will have expired. Place them in the attached bag and put in the brown bin for recycling. Bodies placed in the grey bin will incur a fine.

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Mum treating son's girlfriend like daughter she never wanted

A GIRL holidaying with her boyfriend’s family for the first time is being treated like the daughter his mother never wanted to have. 

Helen Archer is in Cornwall with boyfriend Steve Malley, his brother Ant, their father Brian and their mother Hazel who detests the spoiled trollop more with every passing moment.

Hazel said: “I was always happy with just a boy. Girls are too much fuss. Especially this vain little cow.

“The more desperate Helen is for me to like her, the more I want to throw her apparently endless collection of sun dresses in the sea.

“Imagine how traumatic it’d be if it was my own daughter I was snapping ‘Turn Instagram off, you’re not a model and never will be with those hips’ at. Scarred for life.

“I want to go back to being on holiday with three slightly absent men. And no way are her and my Steve sharing a room.

“No one is having sex in this holiday cottage – not my sons, not my husband, and certainly not this whore parading her happiness and youth in front of everyone.”

Son Ant agreed: “Helen’s like the sister I never knew. I don’t know what to say to her so I leave the room.”