Five life milestones you can blame Brexit for missing

FAILED to achieve something? It can’t be your fault; after all, you voted Remain. It must be Brexit. Here’s how: 

Buying a car

Taking out a loan to buy a car – then taking out another, larger loan for car insurance – is sheer insanity while we’re on the brink of no-deal. Continuing to use the seven-year-old moped you deliver pizzas on is wise and prudent.

Buying a house

Everyone knows Brexit is going to crash the housing market, so it’d be irresponsible to consider leaving your rented room/parents’ attic/mate’s sofa at this point. The fact that you spent your deposit savings on Latitude tickets doesn’t come into it.

Getting married

In this economy? Making a commitment to a significant other when the whole future’s in the air? Either of you could be fear-boning a hot refugee within minutes of the no-deal sirens going off. Did nobody watch Years & Years?

Having children

Bringing a baby into this shattered country is violence and a hate crime. Though if you’re already up all night crying about Brexit then it won’t impact your lifestyle.

Getting promoted

What other explanation could there be for your lack of career progress? Your persistent lateness, truculence or the time you were found with your arm trapped in a vending machine? No, it’s the threat of your job moving abroad. Bloody Brexit. Now back to that bathroom nap.

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Irish people in UK admit they're just making up words

IRISH residents of mainland Britain have confirmed they are making about 65 per cent of their colourful language up on the spot. 

Admitting that terms ‘it’s gas altogether’ for something funny and ‘wagon’ for a kind of super-slag are genuine, the expatriates have also been inventing others, usually while hammered.

Dubliner living in London Mary Fisher said: “It’s less fun when all the English know them, though there’s still endless amusement asking posh girls how much they like a ride of their horse.

“But this week alone I’ve told people that a ‘glugger’ is a car, a ‘land-gull’ is a horse and ‘Marlboro Reds’ are children. They don’t question it for an instant.”

Nikki Hollis, originally of Cork, said: “Brits know so little about Ireland you can tell them anything. A girl at work thinks I’m from the second biggest city, Ballybellend.

“Don’t try it around Scots, though. They’re busy making up all their own words and they’re scared we’ll blow it for everyone.”

Bill McKay of Glasgow said: “We do not do that. Weapon is an actual insult. You f**king weapon.”