FAILED to achieve something? It can’t be your fault; after all, you voted Remain. It must be Brexit. Here’s how:
Buying a car
Taking out a loan to buy a car – then taking out another, larger loan for car insurance – is sheer insanity while we’re on the brink of no-deal. Continuing to use the seven-year-old moped you deliver pizzas on is wise and prudent.
Buying a house
Everyone knows Brexit is going to crash the housing market, so it’d be irresponsible to consider leaving your rented room/parents’ attic/mate’s sofa at this point. The fact that you spent your deposit savings on Latitude tickets doesn’t come into it.
In this economy? Making a commitment to a significant other when the whole future’s in the air? Either of you could be fear-boning a hot refugee within minutes of the no-deal sirens going off. Did nobody watch Years & Years?
Bringing a baby into this shattered country is violence and a hate crime. Though if you’re already up all night crying about Brexit then it won’t impact your lifestyle.
What other explanation could there be for your lack of career progress? Your persistent lateness, truculence or the time you were found with your arm trapped in a vending machine? No, it’s the threat of your job moving abroad. Bloody Brexit. Now back to that bathroom nap.