The people voted for a military coup, says Theresa May

THE UK has already voted for the overthrow by force of Parliament, the House of Lords and the judiciary, the prime minister has asserted. 

Speaking from the head of a fleet of tanks driving down the Mall, May said that she has a mandate to shell the House of Commons, send Lords into exile and imprison all judges indefinitely without trial. 

May said: “In the last vote Britain will ever have, and the only one that counts, I was chosen as the country’s president-for-life with extraordinary and unlimited powers. 

“Any attempt to claim otherwise, for example by supporting one of the opposition parties made illegal by decree this morning, is an act of revolution.” 

She added: “Also, I always had this moustache. Can’t be a proper dictator without a moustache.” 


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Government asks what else it was meant to do with a f**king stadium

THE government has asked critics of the Olympic stadium deal with West Ham what they would have done with a f**king 80,000-seat stadium. 

Sports minister Tracey Crouch said: “Yes, recouping £15 million of the £323 million conversion cost is a bit shit. We’re aware. We have calculators.

“But I fear that West Ham had us rather over a barrel on this one because it’s not like we could sell it as a call centre or a massive open-air TK Maxx.

“And other football teams, for example Liverpool, Fleetwood Town and fucking Ross fucking County FC found the north London location rather inconvenient for them.

“Perhaps we should have left it as a habitat for the grey heron, maybe they could have scraped together £500 million from selling their eggs or something.”