The unrepentant Corbynite's guide to why this is all Keir Starmer's fault

HATE Labour far more than the government since that slick lawyer took over? Die-hard Corbynite Wayne Hayes explains how the whole pandemic is on ‘Sir’ Keir.

He writes editorials for the Mail

Gutless Starmer apologists say this is the only way he can take the fight to the Conservatives, but writing for right-wing hate rags has demolished his moral authority and means he’s ignored on Covid. You’d never catch Corbyn working for an organisation that could have done more to quash claims of anti-Semitism.

He challenges the PM

Week in, week out, Keir Starmer plays into Boris Johnson’s hands by challenging his lies and exposing his hypocrisy during PMQs. If he asked questions sent in by bus drivers and tutted at the answers then we’d have this pandemic beaten by now. It’s like he’s more interested in winning elections than being right.

Just look at his clothes

Those suits and ties look like they cost Starmer a pretty penny, money that could’ve been spent on NHS nurse wages instead. Clearly this means he’s a Tory turncoat, otherwise he’d be winning over the public by sporting a moth-eaten jumper bought from the back of the Morning Star. 

He’s the wrong kind of boring

What Britain needs to get through this crisis is dull but dependable in a Last of the Summer Wine kind of way. Keir exudes the mundanity of a once-inspirational teacher coasting through his last week. If he could just once be photographed wearing a flat cap then Boris would resign and he’d be leading a government of national unity.

Why isn’t he holding a marrow?

We could have nipped Covid-19 in the bud if Starmer had the decency to awkwardly hold a comically large marrow with a rosette on it back in 2020. Doesn’t he know public trust relies on winning over the allotment-owning demographic? Corbyn did and he won two elections which were narrowly overturned on technicalities. I miss him so much.

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What all the middle-class twats are actually doing in their sheds

THE latest status symbol for smug middle-class dickheads is a shed at the bottom of the garden they can ‘work’ in. But what are they actually doing? 

Julian Cook, summerhouse, Market Drayton

“We bought a summerhouse so I could carry on with my £80k a year role as a branding rights consultant from home. It’s insulated, double-glazed and has a wood-burning stove. The kids aren’t allowed in it. It’s hidden by trees. I go to the house twice a day when I absolutely have to.”

Grace Wood-Morris, beach hut, Bangor-on-Dee

“I insisted my husband provide me with a separate space for my handicrafts business, so I’ve got this lovely cosy beach hut. It’s such a calm, reassuring, affluent space that on the first day I came down, I had a wank. And the second day. And every day thereafter.”

Susan Traherne, pagoda, Llanbedr

“The neighbours had a summerhouse delivered so we one-upped them with a hexagonal pagoda of sustainable cedar. It’s linked to all our wildlife cameras, which are pointed at the neighbours’ garden, and I sit in there and watch them obsessively day and night in case they get something else we haven’t got.”

Joseph Turner, luxury garden pod, Hackney

“Since the pandemic everyone has got back in touch with their roots, so about eight times a day I like to stroll down here, close the sliding doors and inhale a bong full of weed. It really relaxes me. I can’t even remember what I used to do as a job. I’ve started dealing.”

David Cameron, shepherd’s hut, Chipping Norton

“I’ve f**ked my career up so badly that my wife’s thrown me out of the house. I screwed up my last proper job by gambling and losing, I wrote a book nobody bought, I can’t get work as a consultant and everyone hates me. I’ve made a total bollocks of my entire life. Still, nice hut isn’t it? All the colours are Farrow & Ball.”