Thursday, 25th February 2021

The unrepentant Corbynite's guide to why this is all Keir Starmer's fault

HATE Labour far more than the government since that slick lawyer took over? Die-hard Corbynite Wayne Hayes explains how the whole pandemic is on ‘Sir’ Keir.

He writes editorials for the Mail

Gutless Starmer apologists say this is the only way he can take the fight to the Conservatives, but writing for right-wing hate rags has demolished his moral authority and means he’s ignored on Covid. You’d never catch Corbyn working for an organisation that could have done more to quash claims of anti-Semitism.

He challenges the PM

Week in, week out, Keir Starmer plays into Boris Johnson’s hands by challenging his lies and exposing his hypocrisy during PMQs. If he asked questions sent in by bus drivers and tutted at the answers then we’d have this pandemic beaten by now. It’s like he’s more interested in winning elections than being right.

Just look at his clothes

Those suits and ties look like they cost Starmer a pretty penny, money that could’ve been spent on NHS nurse wages instead. Clearly this means he’s a Tory turncoat, otherwise he’d be winning over the public by sporting a moth-eaten jumper bought from the back of the Morning Star. 

He’s the wrong kind of boring

What Britain needs to get through this crisis is dull but dependable in a Last of the Summer Wine kind of way. Keir exudes the mundanity of a once-inspirational teacher coasting through his last week. If he could just once be photographed wearing a flat cap then Boris would resign and he’d be leading a government of national unity.

Why isn’t he holding a marrow?

We could have nipped Covid-19 in the bud if Starmer had the decency to awkwardly hold a comically large marrow with a rosette on it back in 2020. Doesn’t he know public trust relies on winning over the allotment-owning demographic? Corbyn did and he won two elections which were narrowly overturned on technicalities. I miss him so much.