THERESA May has confirmed the Cabinet agrees she is the best person to be prime minister and that everyone should let that sink in for a minute.
Shaking her head and chuckling, Mrs May announced she had the full backing of her colleagues, adding: “How fucked-up is that?”
The prime minister said: “Amber Rudd was like ‘you did really well under the circumstances’ and Philip Hammond was saying I showed ‘great fortitude’ and I’m sitting there thinking, ‘what the fuck are you on about?’.
“Then I’m like, ‘are they taking the piss?’ but no, they seemed completely serious and genuinely sympathetic.
“So then I’m thinking, ‘if these fucknuts are the alternative then maybe I am the best person for the job’. I am quite patriotic when it comes down to it.”
She added: “Me. Theresa May. Best person to be prime minister. Christ on a fucking bike.
“Anyway, I better get ‘back to work’. See ya.”