Racist grandpa branches out into sexism

A RACIST grandfather has added casual misogyny to his repertoire, family members have confirmed.

72-year-old Roy Hobbs was explaining that beneath every ‘burkin’ there could be a suicide bomber when he abruptly added that women could never be engineers or inventors because of their ‘smaller, calmer brains’.

He said: “I don’t know why everyone was so surprised. Just because I’m getting on a bit doesn’t mean I can’t try new things.

“I’ve always been strong on the old xenophobic diatribes but post-Brexit they’re not getting the reactions they used to so I thought I’d try my hand at a bit of this sexism. It’s very big on the internet.

“You have more time when you’re retired, so I’ve been practicing my chauvinism with Sid up the allotment and I reckon we can’t have a woman home secretary because their monthly time makes them emotional. How’s that?”

Granddaughter Laura Hobbs said: “He called me ‘Sugar tits’ when I was making the tea. I said ‘Grandad!’ and he sheepishly said he was still feeling his way into it, and apologised.”

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Right-wing fury as Peace Prize goes to campaign to stop everyone being killed

RIGHT-wingers are furious after an organisation that wants to prevent cataclysmic violent death was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

They said the award, to the International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons (ICAN), was ‘typical’ and ignored the efforts of the right to achieve lasting peace by killing as many people as possible.

Britain’s Defence secretary Michal Fallon said: “Stupid. Bloody. Hippies.”

But a spokesman for the Nobel Committee said: “We have fucked this up in the recent past. The EU, Barak Obama. Not fantastic decisions. Anyway, we thought we should really stick to giving the Peace Prize to people who are really into peace.

“Likewise, we didn’t give the Nobel Prize for Physics to Graham Norton. We’re not saying Graham Norton is completely ignorant of physics, but he’s chat show host rather than a ground-breaking physicist.

“ICAN may be a bunch of hippies, but they are definitely opposed to a nuclear holocaust. If you’re going to order a load of nuclear submarines it means you are at least entertaining the possibility of a nuclear holocaust.

“So no Peace Prize for you.”