Theresa May: I say 'getting on with the job' and 'nobody wants another election' now

AS YOUR prime minister it is my duty to inform you that, following last week’s election, I will be saying two new things. 

As you remember I fought the campaign by saying ‘strong and stable’ and ‘coalition of chaos’ and I had fully hoped to continue saying them for a further five years.

However, an event I refuse to acknowledge has forced certain changes, and so I will now have to repeat two different things in all speeches, interviews and debates.

The new phrases, ‘getting on with the job’ and ‘nobody wants another election’ are just as vacuous and deeply ironic as the old, though regrettably less alliterative.

I look forward to repeating these words, with the same intonation, whenever called upon to speak as will all other Conservative MPs. I expect them to be immensely successful.

Thank you. I must now get on with the job. Nobody wants another election.


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Waitrose shopper kicks off over lack of artisan crispbreads

A WAITROSE shopper kicked right off because the supermarket ran out of her favourite Peter’s Yard artisan crispbreads.

41-year-old Emma Bradford was angered to discover that the highly specific sourdough crispbreads her husband likes had been replaced on the shelves by another sort of expensive, pretentious cracker.

Without bothering to explain what exactly she wanted, Bradford asked a member of staff: “Excuse me? Where are they?”

After establishing what she meant, worker Wayne Hayes explained that unfortunately those artisan crispbreads were out of stock at the supplier, but that similar products were available.

Bradford replied: “I don’t want fucking similar products. I need Peter’s Yard artisan crispbreads. They are what my husband likes with his special cheese that comes in a cloth bag.

“We have cheese after dinner. You wouldn’t understand.”

Resisting the urge to tell Bradford to get fucked, Hayes suggested Bradford try ordering the crispbreads online, at which point she gave him a dirty look and stormed off to have a free coffee and read a magazine article about curtains.