Theresa May: I say ‘getting on with the job’ and ‘nobody wants another election’ now

AS YOUR prime minister it is my duty to inform you that, following last week’s election, I will be saying two new things. 

As you remember I fought the campaign by saying ‘strong and stable’ and ‘coalition of chaos’ and I had fully hoped to continue saying them for a further five years.

However, an event I refuse to acknowledge has forced certain changes, and so I will now have to repeat two different things in all speeches, interviews and debates.

The new phrases, ‘getting on with the job’ and ‘nobody wants another election’ are just as vacuous and deeply ironic as the old, though regrettably less alliterative.

I look forward to repeating these words, with the same intonation, whenever called upon to speak as will all other Conservative MPs. I expect them to be immensely successful.

Thank you. I must now get on with the job. Nobody wants another election.