Theresa May’s Vision of Britain

For the avoidance of doubt, let me tell you how it’s going to be.

Education: Two simple little words – ‘corporal’ and ‘punishment.’ But why use a limp-wristed cane when you could use a housebrick stuffed into a football sock? Private schools are fine. They produce nice, polite boys. I like that.

Health: You’re faking. Stand up. Now.

Defence: I like soldiers. I like it when they march, because it means they’re doing as they’re fucking told. Expect a lot more of them. Marching.

Welfare: That tattooed lesbian chef on the Guardian seems to manage just fine.

Economy: Get. A. Fucking. Job.

Immigration: It’s an audition. Next!

Alcohol and tobacco: Four pints and 20 fags a day. But that’s just me. The rest of you can do what the fuck you want.

Environment: I like setting fire to things. Moving swiftly on…

Police: A bunch of corrupt thugs. But they’ll be my corrupt thugs.

So there we are. Now some of you may say I sound ‘a bit like Margaret Thatcher’. Bullshit. She was a headmistress and I am the Empress of You Shutting the Fuck Up.

Let’s do this.

Pig’s head story ‘100 per cent true’, confirms Cameron

DAVID Cameron has admitted the story about him inserting his penis into a pig’s head is ‘completely true’.

As he prepared to leave office, the outgoing prime minister told his last cabinet meeting that he ‘had indeed done something dirty with a dead pig’s head’, adding: “I’ve still got it”.

Eyewitnesses outside 10 Downing Street confirmed that a pig’s head was among the objects being placed in the removal van.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “After he admitted it he was obviously incredibly relieved to finally get it off his chest.

“The Cabinet members then gave him a standing ovation and Theresa May said it would be his greatest legacy.

“It was all very emotional.”