Theresa May’s Vision of Britain

For the avoidance of doubt, let me tell you how it’s going to be.

Education: Two simple little words – ‘corporal’ and ‘punishment.’ But why use a limp-wristed cane when you could use a housebrick stuffed into a football sock? Private schools are fine. They produce nice, polite boys. I like that.

Health: You’re faking. Stand up. Now.

Defence: I like soldiers. I like it when they march, because it means they’re doing as they’re fucking told. Expect a lot more of them. Marching.

Welfare: That tattooed lesbian chef on the Guardian seems to manage just fine.

Economy: Get. A. Fucking. Job.

Immigration: It’s an audition. Next!

Alcohol and tobacco: Four pints and 20 fags a day. But that’s just me. The rest of you can do what the fuck you want.

Environment: I like setting fire to things. Moving swiftly on…

Police: A bunch of corrupt thugs. But they’ll be my corrupt thugs.

So there we are. Now some of you may say I sound ‘a bit like Margaret Thatcher’. Bullshit. She was a headmistress and I am the Empress of You Shutting the Fuck Up.

Let’s do this.

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Pig’s head story ‘100 per cent true’, confirms Cameron

DAVID Cameron has admitted the story about him inserting his penis into a pig’s head is ‘completely true’.

As he prepared to leave office, the outgoing prime minister told his last cabinet meeting that he ‘had indeed done something dirty with a dead pig’s head’, adding: “I’ve still got it”.

Eyewitnesses outside 10 Downing Street confirmed that a pig’s head was among the objects being placed in the removal van.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “After he admitted it he was obviously incredibly relieved to finally get it off his chest.

“The Cabinet members then gave him a standing ovation and Theresa May said it would be his greatest legacy.

“It was all very emotional.”