For the avoidance of doubt, let me tell you how it’s going to be.
Education: Two simple little words – ‘corporal’ and ‘punishment.’ But why use a limp-wristed cane when you could use a housebrick stuffed into a football sock? Private schools are fine. They produce nice, polite boys. I like that.
Health: You’re faking. Stand up. Now.
Defence: I like soldiers. I like it when they march, because it means they’re doing as they’re fucking told. Expect a lot more of them. Marching.
Welfare: That tattooed lesbian chef on the Guardian seems to manage just fine.
Economy: Get. A. Fucking. Job.
Immigration: It’s an audition. Next!
Alcohol and tobacco: Four pints and 20 fags a day. But that’s just me. The rest of you can do what the fuck you want.
Environment: I like setting fire to things. Moving swiftly on…
Police: A bunch of corrupt thugs. But they’ll be my corrupt thugs.
So there we are. Now some of you may say I sound ‘a bit like Margaret Thatcher’. Bullshit. She was a headmistress and I am the Empress of You Shutting the Fuck Up.
Let’s do this.