GEORGE Osborne has reassured Britain that the new housing boom he is trying to create will never, ever end.
The chancellor insisted that all the previous housing booms were fatally flawed, but that after a series of late nights, hunched over his desk, he had now perfected the system.
He told MPs: “The key difference this time is that I am making it much easier for people with no money to get a mortgage.
“So then, right, they will have a house and the value of that house will just keep going up and up and so every few years they will borrow a bit more money against the value of their house and then spend it in the shops.
“The value of the houses will always go up because most of them will be those lovely new red brick ones that will be built next to dual carriageways on the outskirts of provincial towns.”
As Conservative MPs cheered, he added: “I know. And it’s actually a bit weird that no-one has thought of it until now.”
Experts said the plan was ‘worthwhile’, particularly as shadow chancellor Ed Balls had confirmed that he would still – somehow – be worse at this than George Osborne.
Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, backed the idea, adding: “We may as well.
“We just have to accept that, unless there is an insatiable worldwide demand for fancy hoovers, the British economy will simply be a never-ending series of housing bubbles.
“Eventually we will become acclimatised and could even plan ahead. If we weren’t British.”