This housing boom will be perfect, says Osborne

GEORGE Osborne has reassured Britain that the new housing boom he is trying to create will never, ever end.

The chancellor insisted that all the previous housing booms were fatally flawed, but that after a series of late nights, hunched over his desk, he had now perfected the system.

He told MPs: “The key difference this time is that I am making it much easier for people with no money to get a mortgage.

“So then, right, they will have a house and the value of that house will just keep going up and up and so every few years they will borrow a bit more money against the value of their house and then spend it in the shops.

“The value of the houses will always go up because most of them will be those lovely new red brick ones that will be built next to dual carriageways on the outskirts of provincial towns.”

As Conservative MPs cheered, he added: “I know. And it’s actually a bit weird that no-one has thought of it until now.”

Experts said the plan was ‘worthwhile’, particularly as shadow chancellor Ed Balls had confirmed that he would still – somehow – be worse at this than George Osborne.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, backed the idea, adding: “We may as well.

“We just have to accept that, unless there is an insatiable worldwide demand for fancy hoovers, the British economy will simply be a never-ending series of housing bubbles.

“Eventually we will become acclimatised and could even plan ahead. If we weren’t British.”

 

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Kate still explaining 'baby on board' badge to Queen and Prince Philip

THE Duchess of Cambridge is still trying to explain to her grandparents-in-law why London Underground gave her a badge that says ‘baby on board’.

According to a senior Royal source, the confused Queen told Kate: “The baby is growing in your womb dear, it is not ‘on board’ you. This badge would seem to suggest that you are some sort of wheeled vehicle. Or perhaps even a boat.

“I have visited many different countries – I am 86 – and I am absolutely certain that you are not a boat.”

The Duchess explained the badge was a play on the popular ‘baby on board’ car stickers and the Queen nodded and then said: “But we were at a train station dear.”

The Queen added: “I shall write to the prime minister and gently point out the mistake.”

Meanwhile, Prince Philip, who had been listening with an increasing sense of anger, said: “The baby’s on a board? What board? I see no board. What the hell are you talking about girl?”

He continued: “Are these bastards saying you’re a train? Is that what this is about? Are these dirty, Irish bastards saying you’re some sort of filthy, working class train, full of Bulgarians?

“Fetch me a Punto.”

The Duchess then mumbled ‘fuck this’, prompting the Queen to say: “I’m sorry dear, I didn’t quite catch that.” Kate replied loudly: “I was saying fuck this badge, it’s shit.”

The source added: “We’re going to try again this afternoon.”