Sunday, 27th September 2020

Tory candidates agree they've totally f*cked up Britain

THE Conservative leadership candidates are all agreed that Britain has been completely ruined by nine years of Conservative leadership. 

The environment secretary, home secretary, foreign secretary, former foreign secretary and a Tory MP confirmed that since 2010 they have run this country into the ground, and they are the only people who can stop it.

Jeremy Hunt said: “If I become prime minister I’ll urgently tackle our failing NHS, which following my six years as health secretary is not fit for purpose. That’s my priority.”

Sajid Javid replied: “For me the key issue is the terrible inequality we’re seeing around the country, a gap that’s yawned even wider under the Tories and which I, as one of those Tories, am dedicated to closing.”

Michael Gove said: “Our education system is in ruins. I did that, so I’m the man to fix it. I won’t shirk that responsibility by passing it to somebody else.”

And frontrunner Boris Johnson agreed: “This isn’t the country I wanted to lead. Sh*t is, simply, f*cked.”

Nathan Muir of Reading said: “I really admire their honesty. I’ll definitely vote for anyone else.”