Tory candidates agree they've totally f*cked up Britain

THE Conservative leadership candidates are all agreed that Britain has been completely ruined by nine years of Conservative leadership.

The environment secretary, home secretary, foreign secretary, former foreign secretary and a Tory MP confirmed that since 2010 they have run this country into the ground, and they are the only people who can stop it.

Jeremy Hunt said: “If I become prime minister I’ll urgently tackle our failing NHS, which following my six years as health secretary is not fit for purpose. That’s my priority.”

Sajid Javid replied: “For me the key issue is the terrible inequality we’re seeing around the country, a gap that’s yawned even wider under the Tories and which I, as one of those Tories, am dedicated to closing.”

Michael Gove said: “Our education system is in ruins. I did that, so I’m the man to fix it. I won’t shirk that responsibility by passing it to somebody else.”

And frontrunner Boris Johnson agreed: “This isn’t the country I wanted to lead. Sh*t is, simply, f*cked.”

Nathan Muir of Reading said: “I really admire their honesty. I’ll definitely vote for anyone else.”

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Being environmentally conscious great way of annoying parents, say 10 year-olds

PRIMARY school children with half a term’s learning about climate change have discovered it is a brilliant way of annoying the sh*t out of everybody.

The ten-year-olds are bringing up single-use plastics, ocean pollution and melting sea ice at every opportunity and cannot believe how effectively it winds up their parents.

Tom Booker of Stafford said: “When Dad took the wrong turn the other day, I told him that all the extra petrol he’d used had killed a hawksbill turtle so he should be more careful. His knuckles were white.

“And when I’m trailing around Tesco with Mum, I check each and every item she puts in the trolley to make sure the packaging’s recyclable. If not, I order her to put it back.

“Miss Smithson at school said that our parents have caused these problems and it’s up to my generation to solve them, which I immediately recognised meant I could give them endless sh*t with no comeback.

“Now I get why rock stars’ sons become climate protesters. It’s such an exquisite form of revenge.”

Mother Sarah Booker said: “I might make him do a month vegan. I can, and he can’t stop me.”

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