Which lies are you willing to believe from Boris Johnson?

IS the Earth a cube? Does chutney cure herpes? Was The Phantom Menace a film-making triumph? How big a lie are you prepared to accept from our next prime minister?

Brexit is easy

Will you happily accept that Brexit would be simple if only negotiated by a man of steadfast faith in Brexit, a man who wrote a column opposed to it but decided to go with the other one at the last moment? All Tory members will.

A man of the people is called de Pfeffel

Anyone with the middle name de Pfeffel is just like you, right? They went to Eton and Oxford and straight into a job at the Daily Telegraph after being sacked by the Times just like you, right?

Britain can prosper by mining the moon

There will be no problems in the post-Brexit economy because we will simply mine rare minerals from the moon, sovereign British territory since the Cavor expedition of 1901. Also convicts and undesirables can be sent there.

James Bond is real

James Bond is real, has always been real, is out there fighting for Britain and will return us to our rightful status as world leaders. He and Boris have shared several girlfriends.

We’re not all completely f*cked

No way are we all completely f*cked. Everything’s great. Better than great, and getting even better than that. Stock up on bottled water.

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Anxious nation cheered by Raab's dismal failure

BRITAIN is to start the weekend early in celebration of Dominic Raab’s pathetic failure.

Raab was humiliated in the second round of the Tory leadership contest, giving a moment of unbridled happiness to a nation worried about the consequences of Brexit.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “More champagne!”

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, added: “I want to see his face! I want to see his face!”

She added: “Perhaps Brexit won’t be that bad after all. Perhaps nothing will be that bad after all.

“What a splendid day.”